Ned's Younger Brother

Ned's younger brother's brother site

2009-04-02T15:33:00.002-04:00

Check out http://www.broslikethissite.com/

Hats belong on Heads!

2009-01-09T15:22:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, it has been awhile since we last spoke. I believe I concluded my last entry saying I would get the top three reasons why Tila Tequila sucked to you next week and here we are about 7 months later and you still don’t know why she sucks. Let me save you the heartache and assure you that the top three reasons had something to do with her being a slut. So there you have it. Anyways, as you know this site is in homage to Ned, my older brother, who likes others who have died way, too young (Sean Taylor, Heath Ledger, that faggot kid in My Girl, etc.) his legacy will live on forever in our hearts.

Luckily for you readers, I again am doing absolutely no work and rather than working on my essays for Business school which are due in a couple days, I thought I would focus on something of much more importance. It’s something that plagues man, young and old, taunting us, restricting us, and laughing at us the entire time. They give me nightmares, as I know it does to my fellow mankind. Obviously, I’m referring to condoms. As we inaugurate our newly elected leader of the free world, this is my open plea. As your first act, I implore you to ban these hideous sperm-slaughtering sheaths, and let us rise up together to make pulling out America’s official method of birth control. And now, my five pronged justification for this movement:

It just doesn’t feel good

If you are like me, you do most of your banging with a girl you met at the bar 30 minutes before closing and whose name you know starts with a ‘J’ but you just aren’t quite sure of. Anyways, where I’m going with this is that you are drunk when it’s time to get to the pounding. In what can be described as both a blessing and a curse, I really don’t tend to get “whiskey dick” however there is an inevitable loss of feeling down below. Why in your right mind would anyone want to intensify that by putting a fucking balloon on down there? At this point it is all about her pleasure, and everyone can agree there is something seriously wrong with that. Honestly, most nights I would rather just beat off to computer porn than have to go through the effort of picking up some slut. Not only does it feel better, but your hand is not going to want you to give it a ride home or actually have a conversation with it in the morning.

Can’t play jokes on girls

Seriously, how awful would the explanation for the “Hidden Houdini” or “Jelly Donut” be if right after the line “pretend to cum on her back by spitting on it,” or “Punch that bitch in the face” you had to add in a line, “Then carefully remove your condom.”? See what I’m saying, the joke is not even that funny anymore, right?

Shit is unnatural

Do you really think God wants us putting a plastic baggy on to catch the seed just so we can flush it down the toilet/throw it in the trash/make a “special delivery" to your elderly neighbor’s mailbox? NO, he wants us to pullout. How do I know this? Uh, I because it’s in a little place called “The Bible,” ever heard of it? Fucking retard.

Fucking expensive

Have you seen how expensive condoms are recently? No seriously, I have no clue. That’s because it’s been a fucking long time since I’ve bought any. “But what happens if the girl you bring home insists?” That’s easy, it’s called improvisation. For example, say you bring home one of those control freaks who demands you wear a rubber even though you can remember her first AND last name and obviously you don’t have any. Do what I did, just run down to the kitchen, simply find your least full packet of Ritz crackers, and empty that shit out. Add a little bit of tape and Voila: homemade condom!

Unnecessary

Honestly, condoms should only be used as a last ditch effort in extreme circumstances. Like if the bitch has AIDs. There are so many safeguards these days against pregnancy it is ridiculous. If pullout doesn’t work, the girl’s birth control will. If somehow that doesn’t work, there is always Plan B and the abortion pill. If those don’t work there is a good old fashioned abortion. And even then there is still partial-birth! I mean come on, don’t you think it is selfish to ask us to have to wear fucking snow pants on our member? It really boils down to the laziness of the woman if you ask me. Also, everyone knows that the most fertile women are black teens, and News Flash, I don’t bang any black teenagers so I’m pretty sure I’m safe.

A Shot at Herpes II

2008-05-02T16:08:00.008-04:00

Remember me?

I apologize for not writing on this site for nearing 2 months now, and yes Barry Bonds, one might make the case that it has a lot to do with Ned's passing, some 28 years ago. However the real reason is that sadly, I have sold my soul to corporate America. I'll try to update this more often in the near future.

A lot has happend since we last visited. I bagged a 44 year old cougar with kids who were 20 and 18 years old. High point in my life to say the least. Every day I try to do something which would make my parents proud, and I'm pretty sure this one act covered me for the entire year. The good news is that 21 days from now I'll have another prime opportunity with the official opening of the Summer on Memorial Day at the beach. However, in the meantime, I would like to discuss something that I feel should be a major concern to all Americans. Something that threatens us every day as we go to sleep at night. Something that has terrorized Americans, young and old. Of course I am talking about none other than Tila Tequila. Here we go, with a long anticipated top 5 list, the top 5 reasons why you should hate Tila Tequila:

#5: Tila Tequila is not that hot

Come on guys, call me racist or whatever you want to call me, but Tila Tequila is not that hot at all. She looks like a fucking mouse and that is a fact. Not only is she not hot, but she is obviously also a whore. Sure Tequila is not her Christian last name (more on that later) but come on is she really looking to just be some second rate low budget hooker or what? I mean, shes not even fucking Spanish! Where the fuck does all this Tequila business come into play. Now for the sake of full disclosure I must point out that I have seen Shot of Love II a few times (Can anyone else believe she didn't find love the first time around!?!?) and I just love all the butch dykes that are one the show. Do they honestly think that they have a fucking chance with Tila? Sure there are the token hot lesbians who are pretending to be gay just so they can advance their modeling career, but then there are the hardcore carpet munchers with the fucking overalls and mustaches. They seriously have as much chance of winning Tila's heart as a Black girl ever has at winning the Bachelor. Which is something else that I think is hilarious. I love in all those reality shows when the Black girl is the first to get kicked off and the Bachelor/Bret Michaels inevitably states some bullshit that he just didn't have a strong connection with them. If I were the bachelor I would just hand them the honest truth, "I know they say you can't get AIDS by sharing a toilet seat, but they also thought the world was fucking flat for like a million years." But, I digress.

#4: Tila Tequila is not American

Call me crazy, but I'm old school. Either you're with us, or you're fucking against us. How do I draw my line, you ask? I would like to refer you to a good friend of mine, you might know him, his name is Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen once wrote a little diddy entitled "Born in the USA" and I live my life by it. You know who doesn't live by this ballad?Hitler, Kim Jong-Il, all of Africa, and oh, I don't know TILA TEQUILA! Shockingly Tila Tequila was not born with that name, in fact her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, which I guess, if you speak terrorist kind of sounds like Tila Tequila. She was born in Singapore where her parents had moved to from Vietname, which naturally means that she has razor blades hidden in her vagina.

Look for the top 3 next week....let's go Wizards

Trail of Tears

2008-03-11T13:00:00.003-04:00

It was the biggest game in the history of the program....and we choked. Last night, William and Mary, with a team comprised enought white guys to make Hitler proud, improbably was playing for their first ever trip to the NCAA Tournament. Apparently, William and Mary is not the basketball powerhouse most people take them to be. In fact, since the onset of the NCAA Tournament only 5 teams that were there since the beginning had not made it. Of course the Tribe was one of them. Seeing as how it looks like it might be another 300 years before the Tribe plays in another CAA Championship game you can imagine the bad taste that I had leaving the bar aka Tribe Nation viewing party aka one fat blond lady '89 alumni who tried to get us to cheer louder to which we responded that she should worry less about our cheering and more about how her disgusting obesity is making all her eHarmony dates stand her up. But the bad taste wasn't due to the loss, it was due more to the way we lost.

The MVP of the team is without a doubt Danny Sumner aka the only black guy on the team. If I were Coach Shaver, better known to his nieces and nephews as "Coach Pedophile," every time down the court I would have fed the Black guy and let him go to work. Instead we decided to let our 5'4'' team mascot jack threes all game long. Sure we were outmatched from an athletic perspective seeing as how Mason actually realized its not 1957 and colleges have actually been integrated, thus allowing for more than one Black player. Not to mention the influx of talent that is coming in since the Final Four run of 2006. About that run.....

Sure it was a great couple of weeks here in the DC back in '06 when the "Mason Nation" came out of the woodworks and for the first time were not embarassed they lived in their parents house and commuted to school because their grades were so shitty their college counselor advised them to save their application money on reach schools like JMU because there was just no chance. And now people are calling William and Mary fans bandwagon fans?? Sure our team has been shitty for the past, well, ever, but that doesn't mean I can't be proud of a school that has produced four presidents, soon to be 5 in 10 years once our good man RW. Ferg III turns 35 and is eligible. We've got entertainers, diplomats, astronauts, and writers, not to mention a little band by the name of, oh I don't know, SEVEN MARY THREE! What does Mason have? According to their Wikipedia page, which is never wrong, not much. One of their most famous alumni is Greg Nosal. Never heard of him, well I guess you're just not be up to date on all your Professional Foosball players.

Seriously, how can you brag about your college when Lincoln Tech was founded 10 years before Mason?? How sad is that? I remember growing up making fun of my brother saying he was to dumb to go anwyere but Lincoln Tech, turns out I probably should have been telling him he would be going to Mason with all the other retards too scared to leave the nest.

Anyways, great run William and Mary, I'll tell you who is happy that you lost: Everybody. William and Mary is the hottest team in the country and I'm pretty confident no one wanted to have any part of them in the tournament. Now heres a wacky idea for the offseason - recruit some fucking Black guys!

NYB = Asshole

2008-03-06T12:13:00.004-05:00

Sorry about nothing new coming out recently, apparently so and so's boss wants so and so to focus on getting to work on time and actually doing work rather than sitting in so and so's cube giggling as so and so writes 2000 word essays about retarded babies. Never fear though, there will be a post soon, possibly tonight provided I don't get too drunk at happy hour, come home and start beating off in the mirror, which is a series of events I fondly refer to as a "Typical Weeknight." Anyways, I'm debating on whether I should release my boss's email address so fans can tell him to loosen up and make him realize that sure, losing the company about $30K last week was his fault, but its not like its his boss's money! I mean come on he still gets paid. Anyways, let me know if you guys think this is a good idea and I swear a new article will come soon and it will be worth the wait.

Blue Devils? More like Gay Devils!!!

2008-02-21T22:33:00.012-05:00

So I'm sitting in my office talking to my buddy about college basketball and how much Georgetown sucks, when he utters the unforgiveable words, "Well you know I'm a real big Duke fan." Of course I vomited in my mouth, swallowed (like all good girls should) and walked away vowing to never talk to that piece of shit again. Honestly, how can anyone be a Duke fan. I have a friend that goes to Duke grad school but still hates everyone that supports the basketball program. But then I got all philosophical and shit. Why? Why do I hate the fucking Blue Devils, lets take a look.

#5 Ugly cheerleaders

Let's set the mood. You go to an ACC school in North Carolina, a part of the country that boasts some of the hottest girls in the country. And you trot out these "girls" that look like mythical creatures to give your team support. Honeslty, what was the recruiting trip like for a guy like DeMarcus Nelson. I'm envisioning the scene from "He Got Game" where Ray Allen gets to bang the two porn stars at Tech U, only when Nelson is let in by the older Chris Duhon there is one cheerleader who has got to be a deuce and a half with ratty bangs and a retainer, and the other girl has chronic acne, an extremely lazy eye, and a wooden leg, and I'm not talking about the high class type of prosthetic leg the girl in Deuce Bigalow had, I'm talking hardcore pirate peg leg shit. For real though, I thought Georgetown had some pretty busted cheerleaders, but Duke takes the cake. No wonder those lacrosse players wanted to rape that stripper, you would too if these girls were your other option.

#4 Cameron Crazies

When I was younger, its sad to say, but I really really wanted to be one of the Cameron Crazies, who are for the layman the student body that camps out for days in advance to jump up and down and cheer for the Devils. However, as I got older I began to notice just how "cool" that the Crazies really were. Sure its pretty cool to see the entire student body section jumping up and down together in unison, but have you ever seen the kids that make up this section? If McLovin were Asian and there were about 500 of them, then that would be the Cameron Crazies. Lately the cheers that they have cheered have been good hearted in nature to the point of being lame, "Who's your Daddy, Battier" comes to mind. But back in the day they weren't always so nice. Take for example back in '89 when UNC had a player named Scott Williams who suffered the death of both parents due to your run of the mill murder-suicide. How do the good natured and good sports Cameron Crazies greet him? "Or-phan, Or-phan." Sure, I laughed the first time I heard that shit, but that doesn't make it right.

#3 The players

So, I'm watching the UNC-Duke game a couple weeks back and I seriously thought I was watching Texas Western going against Kentucky in the movie "Glory Road." Honestly when was the last time that a team in the top 10 in the country ever had 5 white guys on the court at one time? Even Utah when they were sick backin the late '90's with Keith Van Horn had their token Black guy in Andre Miller. But nope, Duke can trot out Scheyer, Paulus, Zoubek, King,and Singler. All corn fed white boys who honestly have no chance of ever making an impact in the pros but they can shoot the lights out. You know what else they have in common? They are all fucking doucebags. I mean its not their fault. Its just the type of player that Coach K recruits. Look in the past going all the way back to Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Cherokee Parks and recently to JJ Redick and Josh McRoberts. They are all fucking douchebags who love to smoke the reefer (Laettner and Parks) and love to drive drunk and/or high (Redick and Hurley). Real fucking winners they have there. Nothing gets me angrier than when the Hitler youth of Duke slap the floor to get ready to play tough defense. Honestly, what are the chances that JJ Reddick didn't beat his girlfriend. You know that Josh McRoberts was at that Lacrosse party, come to think of it he probably was the one that dragged that stripper to the bathroom and in order to keep bad publicity away from the golden basketball team, Duke officials placed all the blame on the lacrosse team. Sure it seems far fetched, but you know that shit definitely happend.

#2: Coach K

You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews, from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded. And honestly, how can you respect a coach who just sits there on the sideline looking like a rat and just works the officials for the entire game, then complains about how they weren't getting calls. And just look at how this fucking Polack coaches his players. You would think that Gordon Bombay was coaching the District 5 retards in Mighty Ducks (before they got uniforms) the way they take dives and fake injuries to get calls. Also, who was coach K sucking off when they named him head coach of Team USA. This guy gets 2-3 McDonald's All-Americans every year and what does he do with them? Loses in the second or third round every year. Georgetown has had 14 McDonalds All-Americans in the history of their program, Duke has 8 on their roster this year. Mark it down, Duke will barely advance past the Sweet 16 and has no chance whatsoever of going to the final 4. Kzyzewski is overrated, a rat, and (probably) a rascist.

#1 Dicky V

Am I the only one who was hoping that Vitale would die from the throat cancer or whatever it was that he had that kept him out of the first three months of the season. For a guy who has no affiliation with Duke whatsoever, Dicky V somehow is super fan #1. Sure he claims he is an impartial and unbiased commentator but did anyone see the Duke-Maryland game last week where they panned to the crowd to show Vitale's family? Of course they were all wearing JJ Redick and Greg Paulus jersies. In my life I have never seen a commentator more in love with a player than Vitale was with Redick when he was at Duke. Vitale couldn't announce a game between teams like Illinois and Iowa without talking about how Redick should be the number 1 pick in the draft. There's no doubt in my mind that if given the opportunity, Vitale would take his glass eye out of his head and let any Duke player, past or present, eye socket fuck the shit out of him. Can't you just picture that shit, "JJ, you're awesome baby!!! Go DOWWWNTOWWWN" as Redick, obviously high and drunk, violently thrusts in and out of Vitale's eye hole ultimately culminating with the fertilization of Vitale's bald dome. I mean come on, Redick is smart, he doesn't want to get Dicky V's brain pregnant.

Be my Office Valentine!!

2008-02-13T21:07:00.004-05:00

Its that time of the year again, Valentines Day. A day made up by Hallmark to get men to buy flowers, cards, candy, dinner and go down on their wives. Sure tomorrow is going to be a big day people getting flowers, stuffed animals and maybe even (if I’m lucky) strip-o-grams in the office. What happens though if you haven’t met that special someone yet? Tomorrow could be a pretty rough day if you are single. People tell singles to look for prospective mates in bars, church groups, at the gym or though friends. However, one of the best places to find love is right where you are sitting right now…in the office place. Yes, it can be risky, but never fear, you have Ned’s younger brother to give you some direction and lead you to the glory land. Using any of the following techniques will ensure that you are the one getting the Strip-o-gram next year and not that homo from accounting.

Give out valentines to everyone in the office making it obvious you are doing so, except for the ugly girl. When she asks why you are singling her out, let her know the truth. This will show all the good looking girls you are interested and reiterate the fact that God never intended for the ugly to be loved.
Somehow convince a girl in your office to say “I like it when its hard” in any context. Then once she says it, roll your eyes back in your head, start moaning, cover your crotch, mutter “I gotta go,” and waddle to the bathroom.
Schedule a meeting with your female coworker, in the subject line, just write “Your sweet Vag”
Ask a female coworker to lunch in the cafeteria. Make sure you are seated in a position where you can see the rest of the cafeteria. As other females walk by, impress your lunch date by discussing what you would do to the other girls sexually given an opportunity.
Send that special someone in your office an email disguised as some witty forward, possibly promising to contain funny pictures of President Bush. When she opens up the email, have it greet her with hardcore pornography. Follow up with a cube drop-in. With a huge grin, ask her if she liked the email. If she looks at you with a puzzled expression, simply keep grinning and motion for her to check out your raging boner. Give her a thumbs up.
When your female coworker is not looking, peer your eyes over the top of your cube and stare at her making rhythmic smacking noises with your hands. When she spots you staring at her, continue smacking your hands but pretend you have a question for her. Midway through your nonsensical question let out an “OHH GODD” and politely ask if she has any tissues.
If your office has some sort of happy hour during work hours, camp out by a female coworker and instead of quietly socializing like the rest of the office, try to get her wasted. If for some reason she doesn’t want to pound drinks at 4 o’clock on a Wednesday you may have to resort to GHB. Just crush it up and put it in her drink. Let time take its course, then give that young lass the time of her life after you carry her motionless body to the Men’s room. Brag to everyone the next day.

Obviously, this is only a brief list of ways to snare that special office sweetheart. Please feel free to leave comments with any other tips or personal experiences!

The Real Presidential Candidates

2008-02-05T23:23:00.000-05:00

As I write this the final tallies are coming into for Super Tuesday, and pretty soon, we’ll probably know who are presidential candidates for the 2008 election are going to be. So, naturally, you would think that as a graduate of a prestigious Government undergraduate program, that I would be glued to the CNN watching to see what exactly would become of our country. Well you would be half right if you thought that. I am glued to the TV, however I am tuned into TBS for some sick repeats of The Office. I mean can you really blame me, it’s the one where they have the stripper. Anyway, I know that it really is sad, but its not like I’m not going to vote, fuck I’m even in a face book group for one of the candidates, because voting is the hip thing to do. But the point is, these fucking candidates just don’t do anything for me. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders:

Huckabee: This guy is just fucking nuts, he doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to get rid of all taxes, yet for some reason there are people out there that think he would become a great president. Who are these people, did they ever hear of a little thing called science? Oh and outlaw abortion, that sounds like a great idea. I’m sure that won’t cause an outcry by all the Pro-Choice people aka “Sluts who like it better without a condom.”

McCain: On the surface, McCain seems like a great candidate. Naval Academy graduate, conservative but not too far right wing, even to the point where there was talk that he would run on a bi-partisan ticket in 2004, and anti-Bush. However, along with that Naval Academy education came a nice extended stay in a POW camp. I’ve seen Deer Hunter, I know what goes on at those places. Honestly, what would it look like for this country if at a dinner with some East Asian president, the Asian president said some trigger word and McCain just went fucking apes hit running around screaming out Vietnamese words in a fit of rage that inevitably ends up crying, naked in the shower.

Obama: “Is this country ready for a Black president?” This thought provoking question was posed to me recently by some homeless man on the Metro. After trying unsuccessfully to plug my nose to avoid the smell of this waste of life, it got me to thinking. I could lie and say it took me a long time, but it did not take me long to figure out the answer. No. I mean to be honest, you can sit there in your fucking bubble and say, “Oh yeah, I’m color blind” or “Racism is a thing of the past” but come on its out there, the only difference is that people don’t talk about it. And once all those Middle Americans who are scared to death of Terrorism find out that his middle name is Hussein, well, they are going to be ready to label him as a member of Al Queda.

Hillary: As someone who doesn’t get periods, I’m not quite sure how this shit works exactly and the mood swings that occur. But, honestly, doesn’t this shit scare people? I mean, couldn’t you see Hillary in some meeting with foreign dignitaries while “riding the crimson tide” and have someone say something she doesn’t quite agree with, and her just snapping and screaming, “You just don’t understand me Belgium!!” and then giving some rant about how if Belgium really wants to hang out with the leaders of Switzerland and Germany, then he should. I mean maybe if she could prove that she’s been through menopause it might be a different story, but still, we’re not in any position to have her risking our nation just because some country’s Prime Minister is not that into her. Not to mention all the bear attacks on the White House which are no doubt inevitable.

Hopefully I was able to offend the last 3 female readers with that rant, but for all of you who are still on board, your probably saying, “So, Ned’s younger brother, if that is your real name, what the fuck do you suggest I do about it?” Funny you should ask, because I have got five great candidates, all in the mold of past presidents. So, while you sit there talking shit about my Country, just know that Ned’s Younger Brother is not going to sit on his haunches and wait for change, hes going to promote it.

#5 Detective Jimmy McNulty (John F. Kennedy)

If you don’t know who this is, shame on you, get a subscription to Netflix and start with the first season of “The Wire” it’s the best thing you will do this year, fuck make it a Lenten promise that you will finish the first two seasons before Good Friday. Anyways, McNulty, an Irish Catholic, is a man’s man. Drinks all the time, womanizer, fucking hilarious and untouchable because he is also a pretty fucking badass cop. JFK had a lot of these qualities as we saw with him banging Marilyn Monroe. McNulty believes in justice and to be honest with you, if I were fucking Al Queda I would pray that McNulty weren’t the next president.

#4 Kim Kardashian (Bill Clinton)

“This fucking no talent ass clown has no place on this list” you are probably saying. And I would tend to agree with you, but come on, something has to be said about someone who has literally no talent, and is only known for her sex tape with Ray Jay, and her engagement to Reggie Bush, having her own amazing TV show. In fact, it has been reported that some unnamed blogger might have seen a few too many episodes. But seriously, it has to take a lot of charisma to go from upscale Hollywood club slut to famous sex tape diva, much like an Arkansas governor’s rise to President back in the early ‘90’s. Not to mention their raging whorish sexual tendencies.

#3. Mr. Tuttle (Lyndon Johnson/Ronald Reagan)

If you are asking me who this is, you have another thing coming to you. Everyone knows that Mr. Tuttle was a teacher at Bayside High back in the early '90's and has since moved on to having heart attacks and pedophilia. Well, the second part of that sentence may or may not be true. Nevertheless, the former Driver's Ed and Glee Club instructor would make quite the candidate for the position. Being one of the few teachers at Bayside that actually respected Zack Morris, this Renaissance man not only was a favored teacher by the student body, but he was also the next in line to take over the role of Principal at Bayside, once Mr. Belding kicked it. This didnt' strike Belding at all and he and Tuttle often butted heads. Who could ever forget the time when both Belding and Tuttle were trying to leave the classroom at the same time only to get stuck in the door frame together in a moment that ranks up there as one of the most hilarious moments in the history of not only television, but in the history of time. The way Mr. Tuttle would stick up for himself unlike that bitch Ms. Bliss, who would just take it from Mr. Belding, was inspiring and his fortitude reminds me of Ronald Reagan screaming at that Russian with the AIDS lesion on his head, Gorbachev to take down that wall. A vote for Tuttle is a vote for a better Bayside, speaking of which the episode where Becky the goose dies in the oil spill was on last night, what a tear jerker.

#2: Larry Craig (James Buchanan, the only unmarried president)

I know what you are saying, "why do you have to pick on the gay guy?" Well you know what, you are being the homophobic bastard in this case because it is pretty obvious to me that this guy is not gay. Come on now, if you are a guy out there and even if you are a girl, tell me with a straight face that you have never had your stance accidentally get a little too wide and end up tapping the patron next to you. Who knew that this was the universal homo signal for anonymous gay bathroom stall oral sex. Not me. Obviously not Senator Craig. Believe you me, I come from a college with a notorious glory hole which was located in our Campus Center, I should know about this behavior. I mean, come on there were cold, lonely nights at William and Mary. But seriously, we did have a glory hole in one of our main buildings and it wasn't until the campus newspaper "The Flathat" (get it? we went to school in Colonial Williamsburg!!!) wrote an expose on the hole and the weekend activities surrounding it. At that point, Campus police decided they had had enough of the local erotic Boo Radley and cemented the hole. Back to the topic, Craig would make a great president because he has been able to fight through all this negative press and in my eyes has come out looking like a hero. And for those of you who still think he might be gay, might I remind you of the fact that Larry Craig is married and therefore it is impossible for him to be gay. If you don't believe me, I suggest you check out a little website called http://www.wikipedia.org/ and type in "marriage." The defense rests your honor.

#1. Hannah Montana (George W. Bush)

I want to ask you to think back to the 2004 election. Bush was going up against Kerry and the nation was entirely against Bush. The world was against Bush, they couldn't believe that we had elected him in 2000, and they couldn't believe that he was about to be elected again in 2004. I couldn't believe this shit either and really couldn't believe that anyone my age would ever support "W," but that was until I started checking the AIM profiles. Many would be in support of "anyone but Bush" but then you would check out those of the rich, white, girls from the South. Amazingly, girls of this persuasion would all inexplicably have a gigantic blue "W" in their profile. Are you kidding me? When pressed about this the ultimate conclusion would be that "My Daddy love W so I do too." Shocker that you would side with him since your Daddy is paying for all your Sorority formal dresses and Plan B pills. So who better to lead the young rich white snobs of this country than Hannah Montana herself. Honestly, the Hannah Montana concert is going for more money than tickets would if they were to reunite McCartney and Starr with a resurrected Harrison and Lennon who were put on strings as if they were in "Weekend at Bernie's" to sing "I Am the Walrus." Seriously, though, who doesn't love that hit song she has on the radio that sounds a lot like "I wear my sunglasses at night." If you tell me that you don't pump up the volume when that shit comes on the HOT morning Mess on HOT 99.5 and dance around on the way into work, then you are a fucking liar, and you deserve to wear a fucking Scarlet Letter just like that slut in that book.

Anti-Christ Superstar

2008-02-01T16:07:00.000-05:00

As I expressed in last week's blog, I am not very pleased with the work that Dan Snyder has done with your Washington Redskins. He's angered many Redskins fans and its even gotten to the point where if Snyder were assassinated, I don't think that many people would be all that upset. Now after much soul searching I've come up with an explanation for all of these awful actions which Snyder has inexplicably acted upon. These acts are so heinous in nature that there really is only one way to characterize him. Daniel Snyder is the Anti-Christ. Sure you're probably sitting there thinking that I am being a little too harsh on the owner of the greatest franschise in world history, but step back a minute and get the fuck out of the box you spend most of your life. Doesn't this all make sense? Isn't everything coming into place, don't you feel like an idiot just like the second time you watched "The Sixth Sense," that is unless you are a fucking genius like me and figured that shit out the second that Donnie Wahlberg shot Bruce Willis. Anyways, all signs point to the fact that the Danny is indeed the Anti-christ. Still don't believe me, lets check out the top 5 reasons why:

#5. He has run Six Flags into the ground

What used to be a fun hangout for PG County gangs has digressed into a poorly run and failing Amusement Park. Shockingly this has happend since the Son of Satan himself took ownership of the park. In all seriousness though, don't you feel sorry for Snyder at times. He seems like his generation's Michael Jackson, like he never had a childhood. One of his first football memories is probably the Redskins winning it all back in 1983, so of course he has to go to the extreme and actually buy the Redskins as his toy. His parents probably never let him go to Wild World growing up and God knows he didnt have any friends to cut school with and go, so again he goes to the extreme and fucking buys the park so he and his wife can shut down the park anytime they want to take their kids there. Even more proof of a lost childhood is his friendship with Tom Cruise, but we'll discuss that later.

#4. Vinny Cerrato is his right hand man

Through all of these ridiculous off season transpirings, one thing has remained clear, and that is as long as Daniel Snyder is around, Vinny Cerrato will have a job. For those of you who don't know, Vinny used to work for the 49ers during their glory years, however his role was not one of high power. He was relegated to working at ESPN with no one even giving him a sniff at another Front Office position. That is of course, until Daniel Snyder aka Beelzelbub, came knocking with an offer that Cerrato could not refuse. The deal included full control of personnel with unlimited resources in a role that would resemble a General Manager in every aspect save for the name. What would Cerrato have to give up in exchange for this positon....oh not much, only his fucking soul, much like a hooker does the first time she turns a trick. Since his hiring he has made some of the most idiotic moves in the history of sports such as giving up high draft picks for TJ Duckett and Brandon Lloyd, not to mention the astronomical and unnecessary contracts he has negotiated for players and coaches. No one in town likes Vinny, so of course what does Hitler Youth Daniel Snyder do, of course he gives him a promotion, I mean who could really blame him, I would too if someone gave me their soul.

#3. Snyder children are anti-Christs in training

When I first saw Snyder and his bride, I could only think of one thing, thats right - true love. Odds are that she and Danny were high school sweethearts and were married well before Snyder ever amassed any of his fortune. I mean for you girls out there reading this, who wouldn't fall hard for a 5'5'' nerd with horn rimmed glasses, a sick mustasche, and a nasty case of a Napoleon complex. Honestly, I know Snyder is worth billions but how can you ever respect yourself for marrying for money. I guess the same can be said for a guy who marries some Playboy model, the only difference is, guys have the ability of shutting their wife up with a swift jab to the temple. No one will ever say it but America was a much better place when domestic violence was acceptable. Thats right I said it. Suck on that shit, Betty Friedan!
Anyways, if you are like me and have seen the Devil's Advocate like 20 times, mainly for the nudity mind you, you know exactly what Snyder and his wife are doing. They came together (sick double entrendre) to create the ultimate devil child, and no I am not talking about a kid with AIDS....this time. Unfortunately for us, they were very sucessful in doing so and have 2 daughters aka Satan sluts, and one son who is better known as heir to Satan's throne. As painful as it is to have the Anti-Christ himself running the Redskins, just imagine what type of reign the new more powerful son of Satan will bring.

#2 His best friend is Tom Cruise

Honestly, Is Daniel Snyder living in the same world that we are? Of course not, he's the anti-christ. Just making sure you are paying attention. But seriously, at what point did Snyder decide, "You know what would be good for my image, being friends with a fucking lunatic and hanging out with him during games." My theory is this all boils down to that lost childhood we examined earlier. You know when he was a kid Snyder saw "Risky Business" and though Cruise was just the coolest and if only he could choreograph a slide across the floor in just his tighty whities perfectly, then maybe the neighborhood hooker wouldn't reject him like she always did. Interesting story about that, a friend of mine apparently was rejected by a hooker in Vegas, which places him in the very elite category as most pathetic human on Earth. But anyways, I digress. Do you think Snyder has just like this huge man crush on Cruise? I bet when he goes to the beach he wears nothing but blue jeans and dog tags. Do you think he has a mirror in his room for when hes getting frisky so he can stare into it just like Cruise did in Eyes Wide Shut? What do you think Snyder and Cruise even talk about when they are just hanging out? How much it sucks to be really short? What its like to raise their respective Satan Sluts (Suri of course being a Scientologist Satan Slut)? I just don't see what these two have in common, other than the fact that they both hate God.

#1 He has run the Redskins Franchise into the ground

"If you don't love the Redskins, you deserve to die" - God, "The Bible"
Sure Danny pretends to like the Redskins, by jumping up and down like a little school girl and screaming when they have a big play, but that is all show. You know what they say, The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. Thats exactly what Snyder is doing right here. There was a time where football in DC was a fun time. I remember as a youngling going to RFK to watch the Skins play and sitting on the lower level right next to the players. Of course I didn't pay for it because I come from a privileged childhood, but I don't think it was all that expensive. These days Snyder decides to test the allegience of die hard fans by charging outrageous prices for seats, parking, and beer and food. We as Skins fans will stand by anything that is put out on that field, but come on please don't treat us like idiots. It was common knowledge that Redskins fans stood behind one prospective head coach, Gregg Williams, who apparently told Snyder he would not be his little bitch Snyder didn't like this at all and announced that Williams would be fired. Knowing there would be such a negative response from the Redskins faithful, Snyder spread the rumor that Williams was talking shit about Joe Gibbs and that was the reason why he was fired. Which is just absolute bulshit. The truth is, Daniel Snyder has no football knowledge whatsoever, however has such an incredible Napoleon complex that he gets flashbacks of big mean football players in high school pushing him around and has to do it all himself.

Solution: Snyder can keep the team, even though he is the anti-Christ himself, if he can get someone who knows something about football to make all the football decisions. So Danny, if you are reading this, and I know you are, I will apologize for calling her two daughters under the age of 3 Satan sluts as long as you give power to make football decisions to someone other than your ass-puppet Vinny Cerrato. Sure you can keep charging people for their "stupidity" of being Redskins fans, but you will never be a hero in the city until you realize that we don't care how tall you are.

Give me my stories!

2008-01-23T23:02:00.000-05:00

Nothing is official yet so I’m not going to base this entire blog on the awful news that is going to be coming out of Redskins Park tomorrow morning. Jim Fassel? Are you kidding me Snyder? Not to mention your trump card of promoting Vinny Cerrato and hiring Rex Ryan and Jim Fucking Zorn as the offensive coordinator. Really? Is Jim Zorn, the quarterbacks coach for the Seahawks really the answer? “Well, we just love the work he’s done with Seneca Wallace over the past couple years, and Jason Campbell is a Black Quarterback, so what the hell, we’ll give it a shot!” Please Snyder, please get over your Napoleon complex and realize you don’t know shit about football and let a general manager do the football aspect of the business. Look at how the Wizards are doing without your fellow Jewish brethren Abe Pollin interfering and letting Ernie Grunfield run the show. If I were an anti-semetic man I might be prone to saying something to the effect of “The Redskins would be better off had Snyder’s grandparents died in Auschwitz” but I’m not anti-semetic so I’m just not going to stoop to the level of saying something like that, and anyone who thinks that is just wrong. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you fucking anti-semite. Open your eyes and stop acting so ignorant.

Anyways, nothing is definite yet, I’m still holding out hope that this is all smoke and mirrors and some amazing mystery candidate appears, maybe like a Don Shula? Word on the street is that there is an up and coming candidate about 2 hours South of DC by the name of Jimmye “my parents were the retards from the movie ‘The Other Sister’ and didn’t know how to spell ’Jimmy’” Laycocke. I just don’t know if he’ll be convinced to leave William and Mary. I don’t know, anyone but Fassel.

Sure, the Redskins situation is obviously bothering me. Sure it makes me angry enough that I’ve considered making a sign much like that in “School Ties” and posting it in front of Daniel Snyder’s house. But, you know what, at the end of the day I can resist these urges because you know what I have to take my thoughts away from these awful hate crimes? That’s right, my friends on television dramas and sitcoms. It’s been so great to see how Pam and Jim are able to deal with their office relationship. Not to mention how that slut redheaded doctor from “Grey’s Anatomy” has been able to deal with her own practice, but at the same time how she’s able to balance her busy schedule with her search for the Mr. Right that everyone knows she needs oh so badly. This new season of 24 is pretty fucking kickass too! What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe that’s the because the FUCKING WRITERS ARE STILL ON FUCKING STRIKE!!! I realize the writers are the lifeblood behind all these shows and they are really getting screwed by the executives, but come on, can’t you guys just come to some sort of a compromise. There’s only so many times I can watch the Diwali episode of “The Office.” This shit has to end, and here are the top 5 reasons why:

#5 - Conan and Letterman need to shave those fucking beards

Sure its great that they have decided show solidarity and grow their beards out in support of the writers, but seriously they need to go. Sure this doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but please understand where I am coming from. As a 25 year old man who still is unable to grow a beard and walk out in public without being arrested under the suspicion that I am an escaped pedophile, I feel as though Conan and Letterman are really rubbing this shit in. Yeah, its not a big deal, but the shit hurts man. Its fucking emasculating. I am not the night owl that I let on to be, so I haven’t actually been able to watch either of these shows, although I have to think they are pretty shitty. I would think that Conan is probably doing pretty well for himself because he seems like he does a lot of the writing for the show himself, but the Tonight show must just be fucking awful.

#4 - Three words: Monday Night RAW

I really can’t believe it myself, but this shit has actually happened. We’ve actually resorted to watching portions of WWE wrestling. You tell me with a straight face that you don’t get goose bumps when the lights go out and the gong goes wild as The Undertaker walks into the ring. If you don’t you are a liar or Heath Ledger (too soon?) I mean the great thing about this is that it doesn’t need writers because this shit is all real. For example, since I’ve tuned in I’ve learned that Vince McMahon has an illegitimate midget son name “Hornswaggle” who is Irish! See what I’m saying, you can’t make this shit up! What’s that you say, why am I watching this trash? Why don’t I just go read a book? Because I’m not a faggot, that’s why.

#3. Cable movies are awful

Sure it sounded like a great idea when we decided to throw down $150 to have the premium cable package with 10 HBO's, 2 Showtimes and shitloads of Encore channels. Sure all those channels were so amazing that we barely left the house, I mean honestly, what warm blooded American man would with Cathouse on demand. Sure the HBO original series are worth the price alone, but seriously, for all the money which we are throwing down, you would think that HBO would invest in some halfway decent movies, or at least a variety of movies. For example, HBO is trotting out their big movie premier this week of Epic Movie. You know its one of those movies that is just endless spoofs of recent movies much like the model of Scary Movie, only much much worse. Honestly, who out there is going to these movies so that they can keep getting made. Anyone who paid $10 to watch Date Movie in the theaters doesn't deserve to live. You are what is wrong with America. And who is out there greenlighting movies like "Meet the Spartans," better yet, who sat there while watching 300, one of the greatest movies of our time, and was just licking their chops thinking, "We are going to spoof the shit out of this!!" And then HBO just encourages them by forcing their paying customers to watch this shit. Not to mention all the other crap that they show. I swear, if Lady in the Water is on one more time I might just go "boom boom boom" on everyone.

#2. American Gladiators is back

This was just a genius move by NBC, why would you need writers when you can have reality competitons such as American Gladiators. Everyone loved the Gladiators 15 years ago when they beat the shit out of undersized competitors, and why would now be any different. So they built a new set, added some fog and light shows, and introduced HGH and voila, you have a hit! I really wonder if there are people out there who follow this closely and root for a particular Gladiator. I think the hottest thing about the female Gladiators is that they have probably taken so many steroids and testosterone that there is no possible way that they can get pregnant. No pulling out necessary = very sexy. Unfortunately, gentlemen, I read an article recently stating that nearly all of the original American Gladiator females were lesbians, which is by far the most shocking thing I have ever heard. I also love the way that Hulk Hogan has shown what a dynamic entertainer he is with his gripping interviews with the contestants. Talk about hard hitting journalism, hopefully he gets some recognition from the Pulitzer committee.

#1 Reality TV has taken over

Sure reality television was pretty cool when it first started to take off about 10 years ago with the original pure Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the first Survivor. Of course I am a little biased since I acquired a disease from Colleen from Survivor. Of course I was 2 years old and the disease was chicken pox, but still it gives me a chance to drop a pretty sweet name. Anyways, times have changed, since Colleen left the island we've seen 10 more seasons of white trash Americans head off to Survivor Island. Reality game shows are in much worse shape. Just take a fucking look at the trash which is currently entertaining America. "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" proves once and for all, Americans are fucking retarded. How can you take yourself seriously if you sit there and try to beat these little elementary school faggots? This is not the worst though. If you have ever watched "1 versus 100" and screamed "MOB!!" at the screen, I hope you get cancer and die. I would also like to know how "Deal or No Deal" is still putting up huge numbers in the ratings. The sad part is that somewhere out there there is some idiot sitting there on the edge of his seat waiting for the banker to give his offer. Then once the banker lowballs the contestant the man stands up and yells, "FUCK YOU BANKER, THAT IS BULLSHIT!!!" I guess I just wish my father wouldn't scream on Christmas...

Brett Favre: American Hero? More like American Zero!

2008-01-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

I’m sorry.

I haven’t been there for you faithful readers all week long and it pains me as much as I’m sure as it pains you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple weeks, and I’m having a tough time deciding which movie the Redskins frantic run down the stretch of the regular season resembles, “The Sixth Man” or “Angels in the Outfield.“ On one hand “The Sixth Man” refers to their star player, Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” dying, and coming back to help them win the NCAA Championship in basketball, however I really think “Angels in the Outfield” is more applicable. Couldn’t you just see Joe Gibbs having a conversation with that little faggot from “Third Rock from the Sun” about him seeing an angel helping the washed up quarterback Todd Collins, much like they did to Tony Danza? I could definitely see this shit. It would make sense too because everyone knows angels can’t help in playoff games. That’s why Collins fucked up so much. Let’s just hope that Todd Collins doesn’t face the same fate as Mel Clark, who we were informed died 3 months after the Angels made the playoffs in a cruel lesson to kids that they shouldn’t smoke.

Anyways, after much demand for a new entry from numerous readers, I have decided to bring on the NFC Championship edition of the blog. As many of you know, the Green Bay Packers and New York Football Giants are meeting this Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and no doubt you will be hearing a lot about Brett Favre, longtime record breaking quarterback of the Packers. This season he has shattered numerous quarterback records held by Dan “I fucked Ray Finkel” Marino. You’ll also be hearing quite a bit of talk about the heroic efforts that have propelled the Pack to be the favorite to be the NFC’s representative for the Super Bowl. Sure Brett Favre has put up some gaudy numbers and helped turn around a franchise which was headed for an Aaron Rogers era. Sure he’s an inspiration to every young quaterback coming out of a small town in the South. But let’s set things straight right now. Brett Favre is no fucking hero. He’s far from it. Why you might ask? Well let’s take a look at the top 5 reasons why Brett Favre is NOT a hero:

#5. Alltime interception leader

Sure, many of Dan Marino’s records have fallen this year, but no one ever talks about the fact that he set the biggest loser record of them all, the interceptions record. And guess who caught that record breaking interception? That’s right Sean Taylor. Honestly, I think things might have been a lot different for the Packers the past 15 years had they given a young quarterback from Washington a chance back in ‘94. Sure they won a Superbowl, but just imagine the dynasty had future Hall of Famer Mark Brunell would have led the Packers to had he just been given the opportunity. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Brunell holds a record of his own, and it does not involve completions to the other team. That’s right 22 straight completions to start the game. Eat that shit Favre. I’m just happy that Brunell will be entering the Hall as a member of the Redskins, thank you Packers for that shit, you can have your loser interception king.

#4. Awful Actor

Honestly, is there anyone out there that thinks they can’t do a better job than Brett Favre did in “There Something about Mary?” I mean seriously, was he high during that scene? Talk about bringing the movie to a screeching halt when he comes bouncing in the room with that fat retard on his back. “You are the only one for me, Mary.” Fucking please, I admit when I first saw that as a 14 year old I was going ape shit when he came out, but come on 14 year old me also got a boner from that old lady Magda‘s tittays, so that should give you some sort of indication of how poor he performed. You would think he would have some sort of charismatic quality to carry that one scene. Fuck, OJ Simpson was hilarious in Naked Gun and he fucking killed two people!

#3. Fucking Idiot

I mean how many ‘heroes’ do you know that can’t even pronounce their last name? I know, I know, you are thinking Helen Keller, but you are wrong. It‘s not her fault though, she was born with the fact that she was a woman.. Come on, honestly name a woman who was a hero? Amelia Earhardt? I don’t think getting lost flying a plane classifies you as a hero. Betsy Ross? Yeah, way to sew! “Sure she’s perpetuating the female stereotype, but she’s doing it for America! What a hero!” Anyways that’s besides the point, how the hell do you pronounce Favre “Farve?” Were his parents in-breds? I mean I know his grandparents were part Native American but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Is his family too proud to admit that they couldn’t spell on Brett’s birth certificate and just keep going like nothing happened? How has no one ever demanded answers to these questions? What kind of ‘hero’ hides from his past?? Come clean with it Brett,: admit your parents are in-breds who can’t spell and we’ll get off your back once and for all.

#2. Booze Hound and Drug Addict

How many of my heroes can I name who are addicted to both alcohol and drugs? One. My father. But seriously, what type of example is this guy setting for kids when he’s sitting there popping pills and washing them down with Brewskis. I have to be honest, I used to look up to Brett when I was younger and look what he’s done to me. Now, I’m forced into a lifestyle where every time I wake up in the morning I have to walk around my bedroom barefoot feeling for wet spots in places I may or may not have drunkenly peed in overnight. Just imagine if I weren’t the mature young man that I am, think of what Favre’s lessons could do to the world when placed in the wrong hands.

#1. Your Dad dying and your wife getting cancer does NOT mean you are a hero

This is the perhaps the most prolific reason that Brett Favre is elevated to hero status. Remember that Monday Night Game a couple years back the day after his Dad died and John Madden just about sucked Brett off from the booth talking about how he was the greatest quarterback ever just because his father had just died the night before. News flash, everyone’s Dad is going to die at some point. Hell, half of Favre’s teammates probably didn’t even have a Dad at all (the Black players) so why is Brett so special? Sure its sad that his Dad died, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be some sort of hero.

People also will allude to the fact that his wife survived breast cancer and it was so heroic how he was able to be with his wife as well as continue is football duties. It’s a fact that he and his wife are Roman Catholic. Another fact is that Brett and his wife were married in 1996, although they had a daughter together in 1989. Whaa???? How could that be? Could it be, no….did God punish Brett’s wife for having an out of wedlock aka “devil” baby?? And somehow this awful sin against God is greeted with the anointment of Brett Favre as a hero?? I don’t think so. Not on my watch.

Picks for the weekend:
Chargers + 14.5
Packers - 7.5

Seattle Slew

2008-01-04T16:21:00.000-05:00

If you had told me a month ago that I would be on the edge of my cubicle seat all week refreshing sports pages in hopes a new article praising how great the Redskins are would appear, I would have called you a liar. Honestly, the way things were going, what with the Redskins losing players left and right to hamstrings, knees, and death, there was no way in hell that they were going to pick up the pieces and make this miraculous run to the promised land of the playoffs. Can this team fulfill the prophecy of reuniting with the Pats in the super bowl, a la my October entry where we meet up with the Pats again? I would say definitely. Honestly, though how much is this situation playing out exactly like the move Hardball? Remember when G-Baby went down to a stray bullet and Keanu Reeves gave the eulogy telling of how G-Baby lead them to the victory in the 'ship? Sound familiar? It should because its basically the exact same thing that happened only this time it was Clinton Portis eulogizing Sean Taylor. How no news outlets have connected these two occurrences is well beyond me. Anyway, we have to take this shit one game at a time, and this week we are lining up against the Seattle Seahawks, champs of the NFC West, also known as the worst division in football. The Seahawks are one of the worst 10-6 teams in the history of the NFL and to be honest with you, the city they come from is one of the most overrated. Sure, there was that time in the mid-90's where Seattle was the hip place to be, but I got a news flash for you sister, I've been to Seattle and I can safely say it is one of the absolute worst cities I have ever been to. While Washington, DC is famous as the home of the free world, what is Seattle most famous for, thats right, the rainfall. Pretty nice to be able to hang your hat on the rain, must make you real proud. Anyway, what else can Seattle be proud of? Let's take a look at the top 5 things...

#5 Coffee

Thats right, Seattle is the birthplace of Starbucks, and thank god for that shit. Honestly, If I couldn't pay $4 for a cup of coffee I don't know what I would do with myself, I would probably just go ahead and pull a Cobain. But anyway, remember when drinking coffee in coffee houses was cool. I remember when I was younger and couldn't wait to drink some coffee because it was such a hip thing to do, just hang out in a coffee house all day and sip on a Latte, just like in "So I married and Axe Murderer" or "Friends." As time passed I quickly realized that those kids who were hanging out in coffee houses, perhaps enjoying a scone, discussing music and reading were not hip, they were losers. You remember those Emo kids from college that hated anything mainstream and would criticize anyone who happened to enjoy "Toxic" by Britney Spears every now and then. Yeah this fucking town is full of people like that, they can also be identified by their horn-rimmed glasses which are used to be able to identify other enlightened humans. Pretty sweet to be known as a coffee town though, because no other city in the nation has 100 Starbucks.

#4 Grunge Rock

This is another one of those things that the city is still holding onto from the early 90's. Sure Nirvana rocked hard when I was in 4th grade. Yeah, I used to head bang at middle school dances to Heart Shaped Box. Even today, I'm still up for a good old fashioned Mosh Pit when a certain cover band decides its time to play "Smells like Teen Spirit." But to be famous as a city because a group that decided it would put a naked baby swimming around a pool looking for a dollar on a fishing hook on their album cover, really is kind of sad. I mean come on, Good Charlotte is from the DC area but you don't hear Redskins fans bragging about how Joel Madden knocked up Nicole Richie. We have more important things to focus our attention on than some local sleazebag rocker, I mean seriously, I'm no detective but I think its pretty clear to see that the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself wasn't because he was depressed, it was because he hated Seattle. Honestly, when you listen to songs like "Polly" or "All Apologies" the last thing you think is that the guy singing was depressed. Those are songs of joy and love.

#3 Niles and Frasier Crane

Don't even get me started on these homos. So Frasier decides to move from Boston, where he was known as the smart psychologist with the uptight bitch of a wife at Cheers to divorce and living with his father and his nanny in some apartment...hmm seems like a glimpse into the future life of Ned's younger brother, minus the smart psychologist part. Anywho, Seattle got famous from the introduction where Frasier sings about loving to add his own dressing to his tossed salad and they outline the word Frasier with the skyline of Seattle. I was never a huge fan of this show however I knew that their father was the shit and Frasier and Niles were pansies. So, so far we have emo bitches, dead grunge rockers and pansies representing the city. Pretty solid Seattle.

#2 Grey's Anatomy

If you are a girl and you haven't seen this show, chances are you are probably a dyke. Obviously, I'm not to proud to admit that I have even caught an episode or two of the critically acclaimed drama. But seriously, what is this show saying about the hospitals and patients of Seattle? Honestly, there should be a laugh track behind most of this show with some of the injuries that come into the hospital, which at first are hilarious, but then turn out to be deadly. For example, I saw one episode where E's girlfriend from the first season of Entourage comes into the ER with a pole lodged in between her and another guy. Its all fun and games at first, each of the victims trying to one up each other with a joke about their situation, I mean shit, the doctors even get into the fun with a couple jokes of their own, I seriously kept listening for a slide whistle after some of the cracks, but then things turn serious for the second half of the show as its revealed E's ex-girlfriend would have to die. This shit happens all the time in this hospital, and another thing, how would you feel if your surgeon was named "McDreamy" or "McSteamy" if that is their real name. Seattle must be especially proud that everyone that works in the hospital is just banging each other 24 hours a day. If I were to go into the hospital for brain surgery I would wake up all patched up only to find out I have Gonhorrea of the skull because the nurse McDreamy was banging while I was under told him at the last second she was off her birth control, so he had to dispose of the "evidence" elsewhere. Seriously, what a shitty hospital they work at, I am glad that we've got good old DC General here.

#1 Asians

Perhaps one of the most defining characteristics of Seattle is their proficiency of Asians. Shockingly they have a wider spread than Las Vegas or even Chinatown in DC. There are so many Asians in Seattle it really is unbelievable. Whats wrong with that you might say? Ummm, let me direct your attention to a little something called Pearl Harbor!! They got us when we were asleep. Who can fault us though, our leaders probably thought they were asleep though too, because well, they always look like they're sleeping. Whats worse is that all Asian people eat dogs. Why the hell are we locking up Michael Vick when he is a professed dog lover and do nothing to Ichiro even though he probably eats dogs 5 times a week. Another thing about Asians that is awful is that they think they are sooo smart just because they can make origami, yet they can barely even speak English. Some guy in my office is from China and he can barely put together a whole sentence without having some sort of HILARIOUS grammatical error. I'm like seriously dude, you're in America, now learn the fucking language. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would drop a bomb on Seattle just like we did in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That way they would know that these colors don't run!

My prediction: Redskins 24, Seahawks:14

We want Dallas

Rushing the Beta House

2007-12-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

No doubt in this holiday season, you and yours have plopped in front of the television to watch reruns of movies from the early 2000’s on cable television. One such movie that my family recently enjoyed was American Wedding, the third installment of the American Pie series. I had wondered why USA decided that Christmas time would be a good time to play this glorious film, then I realized what was going on. This was another shameless attempt to drum up support for the new straight to video classic “American Pie: Beta House.” I’m so happy they decided to come out with the 6th installment of this great series. I mean, seriously, who else out there was wondering what the whole gang was up to after “Band Camp” and “The Naked Mile.” The great thing about having so many movies is that Eugene Levy will always have a steady job. Honestly, how many jokes can be made about Levy being old, Jewish, and awkward before they run out. And what the hell is he doing at the Beta House in the first place?? Does this not creep anyone else out?? I mean everyone had that old guy who used to hang around their house in college waiting for girls to get too drunk to realize their pubes were grey - at my house for example, that guy was my father. But that’s besides the point, what the hell is Eugene Levy doing at Beta House??? Is he trying to say that he used to be in the Beta House, if so there is no way that I would want to join that fraternity. What is the requirement for joining? Successfully completing a bris?? NO thank you! That is disgusting Levy, go lecture your son about the mistake he made by marrying that sexual deviant band freak.

Anyways, the point is, these sequels are getting out of hand. It was one thing to make American Wedding without Oz, but to keep making the movies with only Jim’s Dad? That is just an insult. Who out there is actually excited about this coming straight to video rather than the theatre? Teenage boys that’s who, you know why? Because they probably show a titty or two and it’s a lot easier to stroke it at home than at the movies. Trust me. If only Titanic had been released straight to video my Aunt and Uncle would probably still talk to me. Oh well, without further ado here are some other sequels which went way too far past their allowance.

Alien vs. Predator

I’m sorry to report that I did not see any of the sequels to these movies and I only watched a little bit of this travesty before I took a dump on the DVD. I mean honestly, when you first saw either the initial Alien or Predator you had to ask yourself, “You know what, here’s a kooky idea, what would happen if Alien fought Predator!?!?!” Of course you were shunned by your friends calling that too amazing to ever come true, but then one day the dream came true, in shitty sequel form. Shockingly, Sigourney Weaver or Arnold Schwarzenegger were not asked to reprise their roles in the new thriller, I guess the producer just thought they were past their primes, which really is a shame. How do you think characters who died in vain in the original feel as their legacy was trampled upon. I feel sorry for Carl Weathers, not only did he get his arm chopped off and killed in Predator, but he had to go down to Drago in Rocky IV only to have Rocky go on to fight that boxer with AIDS in Rocky V. Oh and good news Academy, Alien vs. Predator 2 is coming out soon! Move over Denzel, hello computer animated Alien!!!

Police Academy

I’m not quite sure if all 7 of these movies made it to the theaters, but for the sake of my faith in Americans, I’m going to assume that some of these went straight to video. Seriously, who would ever go to see Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow??? What were writers thinking? The cold war was over, but even if it wasn’t did they think that Americans would take pride in the fact that Steve Guttenberg was coming over to Russia to hit on women with his buddy who can make siren noises?? Sick trick Jonesy, but here’s an idea, how about using an actual siren or doing some actual police work instead of making pointless noises. Speaking of the Police Academy misfits, do you think that Tackleberry was really good for the Police force? All he ever wanted to do was shoot guns. How many guys do you think Tackleberry killed every year? I love how every time he fired out of turn everyone was just like “Tackleberry!!” followed by a shrug from Tackleberry and inevitably a slide whistle and laughter for all.

Home Alone

This series takes the same tactic as American Pie, knowing full well that the only people that will be viewing the third installment are ‘tards they replaced all the main characters with new characters hoping no one would be able to tell the difference. Well you know what, I’m not a fucking ‘tard! This series was just ridiculous, do you think that following the first couple Home Alones where Macauly Culkin gets left behind kind were purposely trying to be left behind by their parents just so they could have crazy adventures with robbers just like Kevin McCallister. I would say this definitely happened, only problem is their parents were probably not as awful and neglectful as Kevin’s parents. Why did these parents not go to jail? Instead, Kevin gains parental guidance from some old pedophile who chopped up his family and spreads their ashes on the snow and some homeless hooker bird lady who lives in Central Park. And how about those Wet/Sticky Bandits - these could be some of the dumbest fucking crooks that I have ever seen. The kid is 10, are you really going to be fooled by all his fun and games twice??

Anyways, American Pie is not the only series that is falling to the unfortunate awful sequel series, this needs to stop. Is it possible to have a little creativity in Hollywood or are we just too dumb as an American population that we’re not ready for change. If you have any other sequel series that are tired, put them in the comments.

We going to the Ship

2007-12-24T09:27:00.000-05:00

The Prophecy was fulfilled.

You read it here first, the Redskins, 7 point dogs, went into one of the most hostile environments in the NFL and dominated for a good 3 and a half quarters. Sure the Vikings got some trash touchdowns but the final score of 32-21 really didn't tell the story of the game. Before last night's game announcers and columnists everywhere were screaming that no one in their right mind would want to play the Vikings now, who were the hottest team in the NFL having won 5 straight games. You know who didn't care about that shit, thats right Joe Jackson Gibbs and Gregg Motherfucking Williams.

Honestly did anyone really think that the Vikings had a shot when Tarvaris Jackson trotted out onto the field wearing that diamond chain? I mean honestly, what is the explanation for that, we know your flossing man, your the starting quarterback for the Vikings, you don't really need to impress the ladies during the game. What a retard. Another smart move last night was not feeding Adrian Peterson the football. Sure the got stacked up by the Skins D-line, however come on, just a month ago people were already annointing him as the best Running Back of all time and now after a couple tough runs hes already riding the pine? I'd also like to laud the coaching skills of Joe Gibbs when he challenged that the Vikings had 12 men on the field following the fumbled exchange. Not only did that save the game for the Skins and turned the momentum right around, it also probably saved a lot of the fanbase, including myself, from defecting to a team like the Chargers or Titans. Seriously, had the Skins lost that game last night after going up 25-0, I was likely to go on a killing spree in this St. Petersburg Mariott the likes of which haven't been seen this side of Blacksburg.

Anyway, I know I've been a homer for a long time (see Redskins v. Patriots) but seriously, if the Skins take care of business at home next week against the T.O.-less Cowboys who really have nothing to play for and will probably feature backup quarterback Brad Johnson, who was released by the Redskins because they thought he was past his prime back in 2000, then I really think they have to be considered a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs. The fact that they control their own destiny is amazing to me considering I was at the Bills game where we gave it away. Speaking of giving it away, true story, I was on a cruise back when I was 20 and met the great great great grand daughter of Buffalo Bill Cody, she was pretty smoking too, when I ask her age, she told me 18, come to find out from her brother that nope, she was 15. Now honestly, whats the law on that shit, not that anything happend, but first of all we were on a cruise to Alaska so we were in international waters where there are no lawas, and second she straight up lied to me. I mean she was very well developed and it was in my best interest to believe her, but still I don't know the laws. Any future Maritime lawyers out there, I could really use your help for the next time that I'm on a cruise and some girl 10 years younger than me starts putting the moves on. But, I digress. What I really wanted to point out is that there is no reason for concern from any team in the playoffs right now, and that the Redskins should be a force to be reckoned with during this run. Let's take a look at the teams already in:

#5 seed: New York Football Giants

Is there anyone out there thinking that the Giants are going to do any damage whatsoever in the playoffs? Is it time for New York to start looking towards a different quarterback of the future, after all Eli did have 2 picks and 5 fumbles yesterday, 2 of which were lost. Their leading receiver, Plaxico Burress doesn't even practice, and Brandon Jacobs, their leading rusher has been out for most of the season. It doesn't matter who this team plays in the first round of the playoffs, they are gonna get smoked. Just a week ago Eli almost broke the record for most incompletions in a game, pretty impressive. Luckily for Eli, fans aren't screaming for him to get benched because their backup QB Jared Lorenzen is only 6'3'' and about 300 lbs. This is a sad franchise and they will be going no where in the playoffs.

#4 seed Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I was pretty pissed off head coach Jon Gruden decided to throw in the towel yesterday at halftime when he benched most of his starters against the dreadful 49ers. Having already clinched the division, Gruden sees just how awful the Giants are and would prefer to play them in the first round. Pretty solid game plan to back your way into the playoffs by losing your last two games knowing your team isn't solid enough to beat the 6 seed. What do the Bucs have going for them? Jeff Garcia is married to a Playboy playmate. What they don't have going for them, the playmate is a beard because Garcia is really a flamer. Anyway, its unlikely that the Skins would face either the Bucs or the Giants in the playoffs, however if they were to play them I would feel incredibly optimistic about their chances.

#3 seed Seattle Seahawks

This is the only team that actually scares me, only because the Skins went up to Seattle a couple years ago in the playoffs and lost to the Hawks. Its really hard to win in Seattle, where they have retired the #12 representing the 12th man. Real great tradition they have up in Seattle where their best player is their fans. Nearly as sad as the only banners hanging from the Verizon Center rafters being the 2001-2004, 2006 WNBA Attendance championships. I just can’t believe how screwed we got in 2005, I was sure we had the 5-peat in us. Nevertheless, Seattle is not a championship contender, they have only one victory against a team with a winning record, and their MVP Shaun Alexander is all banged up. They are not the dominant team that barely beat the Redskins in the playoffs two years ago that the Skins should have won had Carlos Rogers known how to catch a ball. I don’t see any reason why the Skins should have no problem rolling through the Northwest.

#2 seed Green Bay Packers

Remember back to early October when the Skins rolled into Green Bay, took the lead at the half and made Brett Favre look just awful. The turning point of the season happened when Santana Moss fumbled the reverse and Charles Woodson ran it back for a touchdown, which was the only one they got and the only one they would need. The Skins dominated every facet of the game and should have won going away had they been able to hold onto the ball. Well guess what, they now have a quarterback who can hold onto it. The only way the Skins are going to go to Green Bay would be in the NFC Championship game, at which point I think they would go in extremely confident seeing as how they will have beaten the #1 seed.

#1. Dallas Cowboys

Would it get any better than this matchup, which would be the rubber game of the season series? Sure the Boys will likely be 13-3 going into the playoffs, however they have been slumping here towards the end of the season. They will have lost 2 out of their last 3 games of the season, one of which being to the Skins and they are banged up too. Romo’s thumb is hurt, probably from fisting Jessica Simpson, and T.O.’s ankle is sprained. Perhaps the last team they want coming into Dallas Stadium is the Redskins riding high on a 5 game winning streak. Had Todd Collins been the quarterback of the Skins in their first matchup they would have won. He wouldn’t have thrown the costly interceptions which Jason Campbell threw. Again, Todd Collins hasn’t thrown an INT in 10 years! Tony Homo threw 6 in one game against the Bills. Everyone’s hopping on the Tony Romo bandwagon, but people forget, theres a reason he rode the pine for 5 years behind guys like Quincy Carter, Clint Stoerner, Vinny Testaverde, Ryan Leaf, and Drew Bledsoe - because he is not that good. He’s the flavor of the week. I have to hand it to him, he realizes who he is and how this is his 15 minutes, so he’s trying to do what any warm blooded American man would do…bang as many celebrities as possible. He’s already crossed Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood, probably Britney and Jessica Simpson, who’s left on that lift? He’ll probably go for Jamie-Lynn Spears now that he knows she’s easy, and hes gotta capitalize on this Hannah Montana craze by banging her too. Maybe he could get her Dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, to modify his hit song and serenade them with “Achy Breaky Hymen” as Romo deflowers her. Romo disgusts me.

So, obviously there are no real challenges to the Redskins Super Bowl run in the NFC, as for the AFC that’s a different story. However, if you give Joe Gibbs 2 weeks to prepare for any team you are in for trouble. Honestly, the Redskins are playing so well right now I wouldn’t be surprised if the commisioner decided that the entire Redskins roster would represent the NFC in the Pro Bowl. But seriously, if you play for the Redskins and are reading this, DO NOT look ahead to the Pro Bowl, secure the Super Bowl first then we’ll worry about Hawaii.

Tarvaris vs. Todd

2007-12-18T12:42:00.000-05:00

As I sat on my luxourious living room coach last night and watched the Vikings and the Bears duke it out in one of the shittiest games I have ever seen, I thought about the impending matchup the same Vikings would be having with my beloved Redskins would be having. This game on Sunday, which has already been recognized by NBC as the premiere matchup of the week, will pit two of the hottest teams in the league against each other. Honestly, after the past two weeks there is no team in the NFL that wants to seen the Redskins in the playoffs, especially the Patriots. The rest of the NFL has feared this for quite some time, and now the time has come. Thats right, I'm talking about Todd-time! Todd Collins and Todd Yoder have been resting up on the benches of about 7 different NFL teams the past 10 years, lurking and waiting for the perfect time to emerge as arguably the greatest QB to receiver tandem in the history of the NFL. The Giants knew this during Sunday nights game, thats why they intentionally tried to injure Yoder. Unbeknownst to them, Yoder is indestructible and therefore he will play this week.

Also formidible is the Vikings tandem of Tarvaris Jackson to Viscanthe Shancoe. This game is just going to be ridiculous! Who has the edge in this game? As the foremost authority on the subject I think that it will come down to the quarterback play. Jackson and Collins both know they will be suiting up on the same team come Pro Bowl time, however, this week they are mortal enemies. As an impartial columnist, I'll take a look at how these two QBs stack up against one another, both on the field and off.

Family

Todd Collins: Reputable father, in fact last Friday as his wife went into labor Collins put family first by leaving the team on Daniel Snyder's private jet to go up to Boston to be with his ailing wife as she delivered their child. No one would have blamed him, including his wife, had he decided to stay with the team, for it was his first start in 10 years, something he has been looking forward to for a long time, however Collins put family first and was still able to successfully lead the Redskins to victory in New York, a place they have only won twice this century. His heroics and family values are bar-none the best in the NFL, and quite possibly the country

Tarvaris Jackson: I don't really have the facts in front of me, but if I were a gambling man I would say he definitely has at least 3 kids out of wedlock by different women. He probably doesn't even know their names or give any child support even though he can afford it. He is such an awful father! I bet the women he probably knocked up have to go to shelters because they can't afford to support his children on their own. Seriously Tarvaris, get a grip on reality, just because you pull out doesn't mean you're not gonna get the girl you met at the club that night pregnant!

Edge: Collins

Intelligence

Todd Collins: Collins grew up in Walpole, Massachussettes rubbing shoulders with Ivy Leaguers, had he not been so gifted at Football, basketball and baseball, he probably would have gone to Harvard and been at the top of his class. We might even be referring to Todd as Senator Collins if he hadn't had such a passion and dedication to the gridiron and had it not been his destiny to lead the Washington Redskins to Super Bowl victory. As far as on the field intelligence, Collins hasn't thrown an interception in 10 years! That must be some sort of a record!

Tarvaris Jackson: He is just dumb as shit! According to his wikipedia page his score on the Wonderlic test (a test given to prospective NFL players at the NFL predraft scouting combine) was an 'X'!!! Can you believe that shit!?! He probably got every question wrong. Do you think his answers were so bad that the judges just had some fun with him and said, "The survey says..." and then some big fucking red 'X' came out of nowhere to let him know he was dumb as shit?? I think this definitely happend. Also, hes so dumb that he doesn't even pronounce his name right. He pronounces it Ta-varis, not the proper English pronunciation of Tar-varis. What a retard.

Edge: Collins

Collegiate Team

Todd Collins: Part of the long line in a tradition of excellence at quarterback at the University of Michigan, Todd Collins led the Big Blue to glory in his time as a starting quarterback there. One of his greatest victories came as Michigan knocked off perrenial powerhouse Notre Dame on a last second field goal. Many circles consider Collins to be the best Michigan quarterback of the past 20 years, ahead of Tom Brady, and I can't say I blame them. He was really breathtaking in that Maize and Blue.

Tarvaris Jackson: Well, Jackson started out at Arkansas, but then realized he sucked too much and lost his job to a white guy that now plays wide receiver for the Jags (Matt Jones.) So the loser that he is, he decided he would go beat up on some teams in D1-AA at Alabama State. Only problem was he was awful as a quarterback. His senior season they lost to Tuskeegee!! Can you believe that?!?! Isn't that the school where they poison the Black students, killing some of them for experimentation? And Jackson couldn't beat them?? Are you kidding me????

Edge: Collins

There you have it in an overwhelming 3-0 decision for Todd Collins. A couple weeks ago, I urged Joe to warm up the #8 car, looks like I was close, thank god we have that #15 car purring now!
Prediction for the rest of the season: We going to the Ship!!!!!

Jesse Kotsapolis: Anatomy of a Loser

2007-12-14T16:27:00.001-05:00

Its a crime. Its a damn shame. It fucking sucks.

Just three of the thoughts running through every reader's mind everytime they read a new posting on Ned's Younger Brother. I really can't believe it and it really shouldn't be tolerated. Why have I not addressed one of the greatest sitcoms of our time: Full House. Well I will tell you why, because Full House deserves more than some shitty blurb about how DJ's boyfriend Steve was a homo, but that shit would be too easy. Characters like these in the clusterfuck of a house deserve special attention. And perhaps the most deserving of attention is the one, the only, the Jesse Katsopolis. Uncle Jesse as he is best known to the public was notorious for having gay producers who obviously wanted to bang him - why else would the canned "screaming girls" button be pushed everytime he entered the room. Any way, Uncle Jesse was always portrayed as the really cool uncle who lived by no ones rules by his own. Motherfucker even owned a motorcycle at one point, can you believe that shit?? You probably though he was fucking awesome when you were younger too, didn't you? Tell the truth, after your first kiss you yelled "HAVE MERCY" did you....flamer. Anyways, the truth is that Uncle Jesse was not that cool, in fact he was a fucking loser. Before you fucking Jesse and the Rippers fans start going ape shit, wait until you've read the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is a loser.

5. The Jesse Mullet

Remember that shit from the early years? When Uncle Jesse first moved into the house with Danny and the girls after Danny's wife, Jesse's sister, died. Uncle Jesse came in sporting a leather jacket and a nice mullet. There was business in the front, but there was a full on party in the back. And don't tell me that just because Uncle Joey had one too that its no big deal, because it is. Just because he eventually got a haircut then its ok, its not! Once a mulletman, always a fucking mulletman in my book.

4. Jesse is a quitter

What a fucking loser, this guy quit everything. Remember the episode where he quit riding his motorcycle. That guy from high school challegend him to jump from building to building on his bike and that little bitch wouldn't do it. That shit would have impressed a lot of bitches man! I can't believe he passed on that. One time in I had a similar opportunity to impress some chicks when I was wasted. You see, these bushes had been talking shit and I thought I would shut them up by diving on top of them. Did I grab the opportunity or did I slink away like a fucking coward just like Uncle Pussy? You better believe I jumped in those fucking bushes. A couple ripped pieces of clothing and a little blood later, I had impressed the shit out of those girls. Jesse also gave up on his dream to be a major rock star in order to settle down and provide for his family. What a fucking loser, instead of turning groupie bitches out and getting wasted all night he would rather write jingles with that faggot Dave Coulier and get turned down by Becky in Danny's attic because shes on the rag....what a joke that quitter's life became.

3. Jesse's kids are faggots

Little Alex and Nikki, what flamers, I mean seriously they live in a house with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and yet they are more intent on watching cartoons than running game?? What losers, I mean seriously, yeah so what they are cousins, but who gives a fuck, I was told by a very reliable source that inter-cousin breeding doesn't do any real damages, so seriously what are they waiting for?? And remember how fucking annoying they were, like the episode where they wouldn't play with any of the other kids in their play group? I think that they were gay for each other, seriously. I guess thats what happens when you sleep in the same room that your parents bang in.

2. Jesse "the provider" lived with his wife and kids in the Tanner house

What a wild fucking life this guy led, helping to raise a tub-O (DJ) an annoying Ug-Mo (Stephanie) and a coke-ho anhorexic in training (Michelle) not to metion Kimmy Gibler coming by. Speaking of Kimmy, what are the odds she is just a freak right now. You know she likes it in the butt - anyways, I digress. Wouldn't you think that Uncle Jesse would want to move out of the house to his own home once he got married? Nope instead he decided it would be much easier and cheaper to just live in the attic. I feel bad for the girls who had to hear the headboard thumping when Jesse and Becky were going at it in their infamous marathon seshes. This has got to be a major contributing factor to why The Olsen twins turned to crack and older men with one nut.

1. Jesse and the Ripper's "hit" was crap

Yeah Jesse and the Rippers made it on the MTV, whoop de fucking do, fucking Deion Sanders had a rap song on MTV one time too, who gives a fuck. Jesse probably sucked the producers off to get on too. Anyways, they finally made it with some slow song called "Forever" which just fucking blew. I mean seriously, I think "Ass and Titties" by the Three-6 Mafia lyricist has more talent that this ass clown check out these lyrics:

If every word I said

Could make you laugh

I'd talk forever

I asked the sky just what we had

It showed forever(together my love)

If the song I sing to you

Could fill your heart with joy

I'd sing forever(together my love)

Forever, forever

I've been so happy loving you

Thats pretty much the whole song, pretty fucking amazing isn't it? If thats all that it takes to make it big in the business than why aren't there more 7th grade poetry contest winners sippin' on Cristal in the club right now. Seriously, that shit is sad, I bet you are one of those people who loved that shit, fuck you are probably looking it up on iTunes right now, fucking loser.

Top 5 Cheaters of all time

2007-12-12T15:38:00.000-05:00

After nearly two years of investigation, George Mitchell is going to deliver his findings in his investigation concerning the use of performance enhancing drugs at a press conference tommorow, Thursday December 13th. This proves to be a pivotal moment not only for those involved in the investigation but for the sport of baseball as a whole. First off, I find it incredibly unbelievable that a member of the board of the Boston Red Sox can complete an objective investigation, take for example the leaking of the Indian's Paul Byrd as a member of the list back during the ALCS when the Indians were playing, surprise surpise, the Red Sox. Also, I would be shocked to see a member of the Red Sox on the report outside of former Red Sox who were in no way involved in the '04 or '07 World Series runs (Nomar will probably be on the list.) Others likely to be named include Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, and the big daddy of them all Barry Bonds. Many baseball purists hate Bonds with a passion, they have rushed to judgment and demand that an asterisk be beside Bonds's name in the record book for both his 73 home run season and for his all time home run total. Marc Ecko, famous for his comfortable and roomy *ecko ultd. men's wear bought the all time record breaking home run ball and allowed the fans to determine whether he would put an asterisk on it forever. They agreed that Bonds was a cheater and now an asterisk is engraved in it, while it awaits placement into Cooperstown at the Baseball Hall of Fame. All this talk of cheating got me to thinking, have there been any other members of society that have cheated at their profession? Sounds like another Top 5 list to me! So here they are, the top 5 cheaters in the history of time:

#5 Danny Almonte

You guys remember this little bitch right? He was the kid from Brooklyn who was that stud pitcher in the Little League World Series back in 2001. In an effort to weed out the kids with pubes, the Little League placed an age limit of 12 on players involved in the games. As it turned out Almonte was 14, apparently his parents couldn't count, which is surprising because you would have figured they would have mastered this skill after years of selling burritos and mowing lawns. You're probably sitting there in the bathroom stall at work after printing this out thinking, 14 is no big difference from age 12. Well thats where you are wrong, faggot! Shit changes. Fuck- when I was 12 the only hair I had was coming out of my head, by 14 I had sprouts everywhere, including a fucking sick looking mustache that my Aunt Michelle called her "pussy tickler" whatever that shit means. Irregardless, this shit was wrong, that little fucker needed and his team full of kids who couldn't even speak English all got what they deserved, disqualification and a one way ticket back to Mexico.

#4 St. Francis Academy Sister Act II

Come on, don't pretend like you don't remember this movie, you know you watched this shit and even have done the rap that "Sketch" and Frank-K aka Frank-wigger do during the final performance at the State competition, you know what I'm talking about "You down with G-O-D? Yeah you know me!" Anyway, this shit is a classic, from Lauryn Hill to "Oh Happy Day" sung by that Muslim kid, this movie had everything. You know what else it had? Thats right, cheaters. While all the other schools at the other competitions were taught by Nuns and gay choir directors, the St. Francis kids were directed by "Sister" Mary Clarence who in actuality is Vegas showgirl. This is unfair and bullshit, however I also find it hard to believe that she was a showgirl in Vegas, honestly who would ever go to see her strip in Vegas? She fucking sucks and shes busted. Anyways, the class would have been nothing without her whorish teaching and that is why they are #4 on this list.

#3 Lattimer: The Program

If you haven't seen this movie, stop what you are doing right now and go see it. You think I'm fucking around, I'm not, leave work right now and go rent this shit. This movie has it all, however the most important character in the movie is a man known simply as "Lattimer." This guy is the ultimate competitor, in the offseason alone he put on 30 pounds of muscle to earn "a place at the table" on the Wolves defense. Unfortunately, as a blogger, I must do the duty of reporting both sides of the story. It appears, from the scenes where Lattimer injects himself with a substance to the scene where he rams his head through a plate glass window to the one where he nearly rapes a girl 1/10th of his size to the most telling scene where he has some hippie inject his bladder with "clean" urine that Lattimer may be using steroids. I don't want to rush to judgement because to be honest, Lattimer is the man, bottom line. However, in this case I think we can safely say that he did cheat to gain an edge.

#2 Biff: Back to the Future II

I remember growing up watching the trilogy and just hating Biff, whether he was Griff, Buford or good old Biff, the Tannens were just the definition of assholes. Whats worse they all knew Marty McFly's weakness, being called "chicken." Biff is known as the second worst cheater of all time because of his acquisition of the 2000 Sports Almanac back in 1955 from his future self. After he go this he was able to win every single bet he ever made, which would of course cause Vegas no reason to investigate. Instead it allowed Biff to do what any man would do with such great luck: buy a casino, murder his high school crush's husband, marry her, buy her a set of new tit-tays, and then try to kill her son Marty.

#1 Nicole Brown Simpson

Why did you do it Nicole? You guys had such a great life together, he gave you everything you ever wanted! You had two kids, an amazing house, your husband was the Juice! And you had to go and throw everything you had away! With what, some busboy?? Are you kidding me?? You were Mrs. Juice but that wasn't good enough for you was it? It's been proven beyond a reasonable doubt that OJ Simpson did not kill Nicole, however to be honest, I would have understood if he had. Honestly, marriage is a sacred thing that should last a lifetime. Nicole cheated on OJ and cheated on the holy sacrament of marriage. I'm not gonna sit here and declare that she got what she deserved but come on.....

Who do you think I missed? Leave comments as to who are other notorious cheaters.

Only you can prevent Tim Tebow from winning the Heisman Trophy

2007-12-07T12:55:00.000-05:00

It’s that time of year, and no I’m not talking about the time of year where you get wasted at your company’s Christmas party, do the Cha-Cha and then accidentally pee your pants. Granted that is already an inevitability for some, especially some prominent bloggers, but the real symbolic thing about this time of year is the annual awarding of the Heisman trophy to the nation’s top College Football player. Every year we go into this thing not having a doubt in the world at who the pick would be for the award and this year looks to be no different. Tim Tebow has broken countless records in only his Sophomore season and looks to be running away with it. But people forget that the true meaning of the Heisman trophy is to honor the greatest player in college football, not some ass clown butt pirate who can throw faggy jump passes for 2 yard scores and run quarter back sneaks for half his touchdowns. Just 3 weeks ago, there was another runaway favorite for the Heisman by the name of Dennis Dixon. I’ve had many a man crushes in my days, Cal Ripken Jr., Vince Vaughn, Johann Van der Sloot to name a few, however they all periled in comparison to what Dennis did for me this season. This guy was the most incredible player I’ve seen in a long time and he was the most valuable player for his team. Everyone had Oregon “going to the ship” aka what Blacks call the National Championship game, however the minute he went out with his injury they couldn’t move the ball at all and lost the rest of their games. The following list is a plea to the Heisman voters out there not to vote for Tim Tebow and his “system quarterback” stats, but rather recognize Dennis “the Jack-o-Lantern” Dixon for everything he’s done for me. Without further ado heres the top five reason Tim Tebow is a douchebag and does NOT deserve the Heisman:

5. Tim Tebow led Florida to 3 losses.

How many do you think Dixon lost when he was the starter? That’s right, one, and that was because some douchebag running back fumbled the ball at the one yard line against Cal with like 2 minutes left which would have tied the game. You know what would have happened had they tied it up, they would have gone to overtime and Dixon would have fucking dominated. Tebow lost to Auburn at home who lost to Mississippi St., who lost to South Carolina, who lost to Alabama, who lost to Louisiana Monroe. Are you going to sit there and tell me with a straight face that a man who in effect lost to one of the shittiest programs in college football history deserves to win the Heisman? Fuck you and all you stand for.

4. Tim Tebow wears Jorts

Are you fucking kidding me? Who wears fucking Jorts? I’ll tell you who homos! Is this the image you want for your Downtown Athletic Club Heisman voters? You’ve already let one homo into your group when you voted for Ricky Williams back in ’98, are you really prepared to have the alumni gatherings to begin looking like a party at “The Birdcage?” I didn’t think so. Honestly, how do Tebow’s teammates not give him a pounding every time he walks out of his apartment wearing those Jorts. And who is he trying to fool with that tattoo? Is that like some "come hither" signal for guys at a gay bar or something?

3. Tim Tebow was born in the Phillipines

Yeah, you didn’t know this shit did you? You thought Tebow was a pure bred American didn’t you? You were wrong, he’s nothing more than a dirty Oriental. I bet his mom worked in the fucking Rub ‘n Tug and his dad probably whored her out too. Come to think of it I bet Tebow was whored out to rich American businessmen looking for a new thrill when visiting the Phillipines. I just don’t see how you can vote for a guy who was once a child prostitute, but that’s just me. Seriously, there has never been a non American to win the Heisman, and hopefully, there never will be. Do you think his teammates are reading this right now and are about to turn on Tebow now they’ve found out this information just like Brendan Fraser’s teammates did in “School Ties” when they found out he was Jewish? I bet they are working on a banner right now with a banner of the Enola Gay and the words “Go home Chink” to hang above his bed in this dorm room right now.

2. Tim Tebow’s girlfriend is smoking hot, yet he doesn’t fuck her

Take a fucking look at those knockers baby, they are real and they are fantastic! Yeah, I guess if I were some poser American quarterback I could pull tail like that, but don’t worry, just like in “School Ties” once this girl finds out he’s nothing more than a liar she’ll break up with him and he’ll probably spend the next two years at Florida yanking his chain. Some say the reason he doesn’t fuck her is because he’s a hardcore Christian, but I think that whole religious thing is just a rouse to cover up the real problem, which has already been discussed, Tebow’s homoerotic tendencies. But yeah, as we’ve seen from “Brokeback Mountain,” hiding your queer choices doesn’t give you happiness, so Tebow should just come out and say hes getting it from his entire offensive line.

1. Tim Tebow was homeschooled.

What a loser right? Nobody ever liked those kids growing up with their hippie parents who thought it was better to learn shit about holistic medicine rather than evil “science.” Honestly, there was always something a little off with those kids, and now the Downtown athletic Department wants to make him a Heisman Trophy winner? What a disgrace! I mean look at “the Waterboy” he was homeschooled, turned out pretty well for him right? That motherfucker thought his Momma invented electricity and peed his “Deputy Dog” bedsheets, what a fucking retard! I just think it’s a fucking shame that we are about to anoint some retarded Oriental as our next Heisman trophy winner. If we really want to honor a retarded Oriental the line should start behind William Hung. That little retard has got all the guts in the world and I really admire him.

As you can see voters, who undoubtedly did a search for Tim Tebow and were directed to this site, Tebow can NOT be our next Heisman trophy winner. This honor must go to Dennis Dixon. Now, more than ever, we must show solidarity both as Americans and as non-retarded people.

Hello?!?! You play to win the game!!

2007-12-04T15:57:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you are sitting there expecting me to write about the travesty that was the Redskins game on Sunday. Make all the fucking jokes you want about our coach not knowing when to call timeouts, we deserve the scrutiny. Honestly, if this shit were to happen on my Little League team, the coach would be asked to step down because he had no idea what the fuck he was doing. But no, we are talking about Saint Joe Gibbs who is impervious to the threat of losing his job, unlike the rest of the working world. If this were any other coach than our Hall of Famer he would be out the door. The evidence keeps piling up against Gibbs. It was a very special thing the Redskins did on Sunday to honor the memory of Sean Taylor by lining up with 10 men on defense to start the game. Word had leaked out about it and I was up in the stands on Sunday counting the players to see if indeed they would play with 10. After the game Joe Gibbs said that he in fact had no idea that they would be doing this to honor their fallen safety. Now how the fuck did I know about this yet the HEAD COACH of the team had no idea? Also, remember when Gibbs first came back and they hired an ex-official to be their replay expert? You'll also remember several failed challenges by Gibbs and the ultimate termination of the replay expert. Turns out, the expert would relay to Gibbs that he should NOT challege the play, yet Gibbs would do it anyway. Pretty super smart guy. It's been said plenty of times and was even chanted towards the end of the game on Sunday by the crowd, "Gibbs Must Go!" Now comes the question of who should replace him? Here's a few coaches from the past who I'd be more confident to have as our head coach:

Richard Williams

Dick-genius as he is affectionately known in most circles raised Venus and Serena on the streets of Compton on tennis courts where bullets would often whizz by them. He had never received a lesson on playing tennis, however his dream was to make at least one of his daughters a tennis star so he trained them to the point where they could compete in tennis tournaments and ultimately were able to make enough money so that Dick-genius never had to work again, which was convenient since he was probably already out of work as it was. If he could turn around two girls destined to be 14 year old hookers working for crack, imagine what he could do with the highest paid team in the NFL.

Bela Karolyi

Remember this guy? This guy refused to lose. The Romanian gymnastics trainer who carried Kerri Strug after he forced her to perform even though she had torn ligaments? This reminds me of the scene in Varsity Blues where the coach is about to give the running back a cortizone shot so that he can play again, even though it appears that his tendons have all been severed. What a gamer that kid was. Anyway, sure Bela was a good coach and would proabably be a better head coach for the Redskins than Gibbs, but you have to seriously ask how the hell do you get into coaching girls gymnastics? It this just something you grow up having a passion for, because if so I am really into 13 year old girls who weigh 75 pounds so I would be perfect for that job. I bet Karolyi beat the girls too if they fucked up. He would probably feel like God when he beat the shit out of those tiny girls. Pretty smart to take medication so that you don't hit puberty, I'm sure that doesn't have any negative effects down the road.

Jeff Gilooly

Not so much a coach, as much as an enforcer, Gilooly was Tonya Harding's boyfriend who set up Nancy Kerrigan's knee to get smashed. This seriously is what the Skins need, someone to go out there and be a head hunter giving out bonuses to players who injure the other team. We could do it like the Viet Cong did too, higher reward for injuring higher ranking players. For instance, if someone took out that faggot Tom Brady, perhaps the reward would be a new set of diamond plated rims. A lesser player like AJ Feeley? Maybe like a deep fryer. Either way, players would have bounties on them, making the game more excited AND more like pro wrestling, which would be win-win. I also think we could all learn a thing or two about class and skillz Gilooly showed by releasing that hot wedding night tape of him and Tonya. I have seen some great things in my life, but that shit was just some sweet sweetness.

Chester Lee in Ladybugs

This guy had what Gibbs does not have, some fucking balls. I mean seriously, these days if you tried to dress your girlfriend's son up in drag and play on a girls soccer team you are likely to end up getting a stiff one from some guy named La'Mercury for the next 5 to 10. Do you think that Chester really wanted to win the games or do you just think he got off seeing Jonathan Brandis wearing a wig and stuffing his bra? But seriously I don't even know why they needed that little queers help anyways, remember how dirty that little Asian girl that loved butterflies was? Was she retarded or what was her deal? Didn't they put butterfly stickers on the ball to get her to chase it onetime? What a fucking freakshow.

Deaf Leopards

2007-11-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

Can you feel it? Can you taste the crab cake? Can you hear the bar blaring music at 9 AM already packed with a line? Can you see the guys stumbling down to the beach, already tanked by noon? Are you ready for the Dewey Beach?? "Dewey Beach?" You might say, "Its the fucking dead of winter, why the fuck would I be thinking about hitting up the Starboard?" Thats because we are only six months away from Memorial Day weekend the official start of the summer! If you have never been to Dewey, it really is something that you just have to do before you decide its time to settle down.

"But I'm too old, there is no reason for a 50 year old woman going to a beach bar in the middle of the summer to hang out with a bunch of 20 something guys!"

This is where you are wrong, you see. For this is the place where older women are the kings of the jungle and they roam the various dance floors as drunk recent college grads drink until they are doable. This is the esscence of a Cougar.

What is a cougar you might ask? Well a cougar is a woman aged 40-49 characterized mainly by her lack of wedding ring and fueled by alcohol, their pre-menopausal raging hormones, and the flesh of young men. What the attraction is between these two groups of the population is is unclear to me. Perhaps it is because many of the potential suitors their own age are already married with children or are impotent. Perhaps these women think that now that they have their new fake breasts they are too good for people their own age and would rather use their new found looks as well as their accumlated wealth to have their own personal little cabana boy. Perhaps the cougars are enchanted by the possiblity that the boy they are hitting on is in fact the baby they had back in '85 and that he miraculously survived the dumpster in which he was tossed outside of the homecoming dance and have gone on to live a full and happy life. I'm not a sociologist so I just don't know. What I do know is that Cougars are not a fad. They are not going away and in fact they have been around for quite some time, contrary to popular belief.

Current cougars needn't fear the evil hand of time, you see as cougars age, they become Leopards. Leopards are women aged 50-59 and are characterized primarily by their spots. While veterans at their craft, leopards often find great resistance from their prey. They can not always count on the romance and games of seduction that cougars are often afforded, instead, because of their saggy breasts and face conjures images of a catchers mitt, leopards must often rely on the greatest aphrodisiac that God ever created...alcohol. Now it a drunken haze, last summer I did indeed make out with a 55 year old leopard in the stall of a women's room, however contrary to popular belief, it was not one of my finer moments as an individual. It was one of those moments that if my father had found out he would have just shaken his head and said, "It's not that I'm mad...I'm just disappointed." Those are always the hardest ones to take aren't they? That leopard tricked me into making out with her! How did she do it? Because leopards have been around for a fucking long time and they have passed down their skills from generation to generation with their rich oral tradition. Ever since they were given the right to vote, women have gradually progressed through the years to the point where they are now able to convince me to follow them into the womens room at the Bottle and Cork and make out with the same lips they kiss their grand kids with. This trend of cougars/leopards is nothing new thats for sure. Just take a look at these flesh hungry menopausal beast from yesteryear.

Mrs. Roper "Three's Company"

I'm not sure what the craze was with sex craved senior citizens back during the days where Three's Company was popular, but Mrs. Roper definitely fit the mold. I don't ever remember her being in any position other than lying on the bed begging Stanley to come to bed, meanwhile he would be sitting at the window checking out girls on the beach with his binoculars....hmmm reminds me of someone I know. This show was great though, I don't know how the writers kept coming up with scenarios where Jack would have a date he would have to hide from Mr. Furly and at the same time hide Janet and Chrissy from the date so she wouldn't get jealous, all the while trying to bang the date without getting Mrs. Roper's leopard claws stuck into him while she tried to convert him from being gay (which was stupid because everyone knows to do that you have to go to Christian conversion camp.) Needless to say, this was a highly sexualized show and Mrs. Roper exemplified all of this. I wonder if Mrs. Roper and Larry ever got it on after a long night of drinking at the Regal Beagle. I could definitely see Mr. Roper slipping Larry some sort of GHB just so he would get his wife off his dong piece. Mrs. Roper really must have felt pretty pathetic knowing her husband would rather beat off while checking girls out through the blinds than bang her, but to be brutally honest, who wouldn't?

Blanche Devereaux "Golden Girls"

To be honest, Blanche was just more of a slut than anything else, it really seemed like the only thing she ever talked about was banging other dudes. I mean I guess if you had to choose which one of the Golden Girls you would probably pick Blance seeing as how the other choices were Betty White, Bea Arthur and Bea's mother who must have been like 110 (how do you expect to get any lubrication??) I think Betty White might have been a bit of a freak, however she was pretty prude. There was that episode where she got felt up by her dentist while she was under and she was upset about that, which I don't really understand. Don't girls like to get felt up? And wasn't that her doctor, making it OK? I always thought the rule of thumb was the only people allowed to touch your privates were doctors and your strange out of work Uncles. Anyway Blanche was a whore and whether she banged guys in their 20's or not the point is she was loose as a goose and hopefully that slut got what she deserved...a terminal venereal illness.

Mona "Who's the Boss"

Saving the old red headed slut for last. It's really unfathomable to think that such a whore of an old lady can produce such an uptight bitch like Angela. Honestly, couldn't you see Angela and Mona on one of those shows like "Maury" or "Jenny Jones" with the title like "My mother is out of control!" I could see Mona coming out in like some mini skirt and a tube top all liqoured up hitting on the other guests on the show and talking about how shes so "happy with her body" and wants everyone to "love her sexy body too" followed by cat calls and "questions" from the audience such as "You are an embarassment. You need to set an example for your grandson!!" Speaking of her grandson, what a fag right? I mean come on, you are living with Alyssa Milano for your childhood and teen years and you try nothing? Are you fucking kidding me you fairy? I can't believe Tony didn't try to toughen that flamer up. I can't even remember what happend in this show, did Angela and Tony end up together? If so I can't wait for the reunion show where it comes out that Mona and Tony were rubbing fuzzies for a 5 year stretch.

I know what you are saying to yourself right now..."I can't believe this cougar craze is just now getting popular when they were under my nose the entire time!" Well next time you settle in for a hot cup of cider and a long night of Nick at Nite remember that these women are not only sluts....they are also pioneers.

Why do brothers have to be killing brothers?

2007-11-28T21:27:00.000-05:00

Sean Taylor has died.

I couldn't believe it. I went to bed Monday night with the thought that #21 would pull through this latest setback and come back if not for this year's Superbowl, then definitely for the first game of next year's title defense. When I woke up the next morning I did what I do every morning, go to ESPN.com and see if anyone had died over night. Sure enough, there was the headline. I was shocked, pissed off and I wanted answers. It's really strange how the death of one of your favorite players hits you. I had never met this guy, he didn't really stand out in the media, hes more famous for his run ins with the law and his thug-like demeanor than he is for his work with the community. As much as a tragedy that this is, there are soldiers his age or younger dying in Iraq daily as well as other murders in the streets every day. Yet, as sad as it might be, I really felt like I lost a family member when he died. I even know someone, we'll just call him Dave K., who stated "I'm more upset than if the person murdered had been half of my friends or family," which if you think about it is probably true. I mean, come on half your family is probably a douche bag anyway and I'm pretty sure they aren't a Pro Bowl safety for the Redskins. Irregardless, there are questions that need to be answered in the aftermath of this tragedy.

Who did this?

Honestly, this is not a matter for the police. If anyone knows who did this and how to take care of the situation, it would be Sean Taylor's boys. Seriously, is this situation not exactly like the plot line of Boyz 'n the Hood where Taylor is Ricky, the stud running back who is headed to USC. In the movie, in case you are scared watching Black drama will give you nappy hair, Ice Cube's character "Dough Boy" pisses off some thugs by pointing a gun at them during a scuffle, much like Sean Taylor did when those bitches stole his ATVs. So what happens? Those thugs have to come back and exact revenge by killing Dough boy's brother Ricky, who like Sean Taylor had a girlfriend and out of wedlock daughter who watch him and his amazing potential bleed to death. So after Ricky passes, what do his boys do? They go out and fucking look for the killer. We also see this thug attitude in the extremely emotional episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Will gets shot and Carlton decides the has to be a thug and go and kill that fucker who done that to Will. The episode ends with a scene where I fucking dare you to watch without getting choked up where Will pleads with Carlton to give him the gun which he finally does once he remembers he's wearing a fucking bowtie.

Now is this revenge going on right now? I should hope so, because from what it looks like there is no way the cops are going to figure it out. They are still calling this a random robbery, which Antrel Rolle of the Cardinals and a former teammate of Taylor at the U says is total bullshit. He says there is no way this shit was random and that Taylor had a lot of enemies on the streets of Miami. People are sleeping on the girlfriend too. Apparently, she was not harmed AND could not see the killer because she was "under the sheets with the baby." Please, that trick only works when you hide in girls beds who are too drunk and have to pass out. I hope Taylors boys know who did this and they get some justice on that fucker. For the sake of the killer, he better hope they find him because lets just say theres a certain blogger by the name of Ned's Younger Brother heading down to Tampa around Christmas time to do a little water tubing and perhaps some golf, but if I have to take care of bidness, you better fucking believe I will take care of bidness.

Where can we as Redskins fans go to find solace in this time of despair?

The same place my parents told me to look for all my questions growing up. Whether the question was "Why do I keep getting boners during church" to "Why does mommy have a black eye again?" the answer was always, "it's all in the sitcoms." For a look into how to properly deal with the death of a prominent character much like Sean Taylor was for Redskins, you needn't look any further than how the heroic cast of 8 Simple Rules was able to go on when the lead character John Ritter died back in '03. Seriously, talk about bravery, this entire show was based on Ritter's character, yet instead of just calling it a series and hanging it up the fucking money leeching producers decided people wouldn't realize anything was wrong if they just wrote the Dad off and plugged in David Spade as the "wacky cousin" who moves in much like Cody from Boy Meets World.

Will the Redskins be able to recover from this tragedy?

I think without a doubt the Skins will come together over this awful situation. The emotion that comes with the game of football is unparalleled in any sport with perhaps the exception of Poker because there really is no emotional rush as there is when you get a pure hand like KK. Anyways, if the Skins can use the emotion to string a couple games together to make a run for Sean in the god awful NFC and make the playoffs. If they make the playoffs, they immediately become the Saints of last year where they become every one's new favorite team and no one wants to play them. They have already proven that they can win at Green Bay and at Dallas, since they should have won both of those games, so who's to be feared?

If you don't believe me, lets look at an example from the Major Motion Picture Industry. I'm talking about a team that loses it's best player to murder just weeks before their Super Bowl type event. Obviously, the team is down and feels like mailing it in or perhaps quitting altogether. However, they quickly realize that their fallen teammate would not want this to happen, and instead they band together with their newly added teammate to go on and lead the team and their country to victory. Surely, by this point, everyone has figured out that I am referring to the award winning film Beerfest where Landfill dies due to being drown in a giant vat of beer only to be replaced by his identical cousin also named Landfill. I guarantee you that Sean Taylor has a cousin out there, who to most whites probably is identical. The only question that remains is whether he can learn Gregg Williams' defense in time for Sunday's game.

In all seriousness, Sean Taylor will truly be missed. It sounds as though he was turning his life around and my heart does go out to his family and especially his daughter. I'm still in shock at his death and he truly will never be replaced. He was a one of a kind athlete and it really is a tragedy that he went before his time.

Warm up the #8 Car

2007-11-26T17:04:00.000-05:00

Three times in two weeks.

No, I know what you are thinking and I am not referring to the number of times my boss has had to sit me down to tell me I'm on thin ice because my personal hygiene is less than stellar and that I'm dead weight to the company. This is referring to the number of times that Jason Campbell has blown it for the Redskins when they were driving for the game winning score in their past two games with crushing interceptions. It really is sad because as well as he has played this season his choking is giving his reputation a bigger black eye than the star of a Lifetime original movie. Jason Campbell is quickly earning the moniker of a "choke artist." People will quickly come to his defense and plead that he is still very young and still developing, pointing out that he has made some pretty incredible throws this season and will get through these growing pains. However, I'm not buying this shit. You know who wouldn't be making these types of rookie mistakes? Thats right, Mark fucking Brunell, thats who. Not only is Brunell a proven Pro Bowl quarterback, hes also a record setter. People forget that shit, but he had the record for consecutive completions for like 4 weeks last year until David Carr broke it. I don't think I need to remind you that David Carr was selected with the first overall pick in the 2002 draft so you know just how prestigious of a record it is.

Why else should Brunell be starting? Oh I don't know maybe a little something called "chemistry" with the wide receivers. Brunell and newfound stud Keenan McCardell hooked up for years in Jacksonville even going 14-2 back in 1999, and I dont think I have to remind people about how dirty Brunell and Santana Moss used to get back in the glory days here in Washington when we beat the shit out of everyone and their fucking mothers en route to losing in the second round of the playoffs to the Seahawks. Another great thing about Mark Brunell is the fact that players can actually understand him in the huddle. Apparently Jason Campbell has such a Southern drawl that players on his own team don't even know what fucking play to run. Might as well have Air Bud: Golden Receiver out there running the plays because I bet he even speaks clearer English than Campbell! And don't even think of changing the language in the huddle to Ebonics, because that would mean Chris Cooley wouldn't know what play was being run and that would just be shitty.

So, what has Jason Campbell really accomplished? He has zero pro bowl appearances. He has never set any amazing records for consecutive pass completions. He has never led the Redskins to the playoffs. He has never thrown two bomb touchdown passes to Santana Moss to beat the Cowboys in Dallas on Monday Night football. He probably fights dogs. He probably hates Jesus. He has a pretty sweet mustache, but that doesn't make up for the fact that hes a fucking choke artist. He's up there with some of the greats of all time too. Let's take a look at his competition:

Ray Finkel

Unless you've been locked up in some gun store basement used exclusively as a sex slave like "the gimp" in Pulp Fiction, which, for the record, is also a dead-on description of my childhood, you probably are familiar with Ray Finkel from Ace Ventura. He's the kicker who used to play for the Dolphins and blames Dan Marino for the kick he missed in the Superbowl. The character was based primarily on Scott Norwood who missed a kick for the Bills in the Super Bowl to win the game in the early '90's and also attended JMU, a notorious safety school. Finkel just went apeshit after he choked in the Super Bowl ultimately leading to his institutionalization and his transformation to Lois Einhorn, police detective. The climax of the movie comes when Dan Marino sees that Einhorn still is packing and everyone in the police force starts throwing up because apparently they all fucked her, even that fat fuck Iguado. God I hated Iguado.

Team Iceland in D2: The Mighty Ducks

Are you serious Iceland? How the fuck do you lose this game to the America? First of all, all of your Hitler youth perfect blonde haired blue eyed children are like 6'5'' and 230 pounds while Team America is featuring little fucks like Kenny Wu and converted figure skater. What kind of pansy ass team has a figure skater? Is the talent in America really that fucking awful that you need to have some little Asian bitch prancing around out there? Not to mention Luis Mendoza. Sure hes fucking fast, however he can't stop, how is this possible, isn't that one of the first things you learn to do, and if Team USA knew this was the case, wouldn't they be able to find someone else who can stop? The most unrealistic player on the team is not Luis, Kenny, or even Charlie, who probably only made the team because Bombay knocked up his mom and in exchange for her having an abortion Charlie would get to play on the national team, its Russ Tyler. Thats right, Kenan from Kenan and Kel, some local kid who the team meets in a pick up game of street hockey in...South Central LA!!! Are you fucking serious Disney? If you think kids in South Central are playing fully padded games of street hockey with roller blades you have got another thing coming to you. Anyways, this team of misfits which remarkably resembles the fucking United Nations gets blown out by Iceland in the preliminary game, like 15-0 or some shit. To make matters worse, old playboy Coach Bombay starts fucking the assistant coach for Iceland, who is obviously stealing strategy and game plans along with Bombay's baby batter. So what happens in the final, yeah Iceland blows the fucking lead because Team USA gets new jersies and they automatically become amazing.

Giving Thanks at Thanksgiving

2007-11-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

For thousands of years, Native Americans lived a peaceful and uninterrupted life intertwined with Nature. They lived off the land however treated it with the utmost respect. Disease was foreign to them as were weapons such as guns. They raised their families in small close-knit communities, with little to fear from the outside world. Everything was going great for the Natives, that is until the white man came along. As everyone knows from the classic movie "The New World," in 1607 John Smith led an expedition to do what we whites do best, claim others land as our own. I'm being a little bit too harsh here, I should say we just took their land, we did give the Native Americans some gifts in return. These gifts included alcoholism, small pox, venereal diseases, homelessness, a Trail of Tears, and last but not least, some good old fashioned slaughtering of their women and children.

This is why I love the Thanksgiving holiday so much, you see I grew up thinking that the first Thanksgiving was some big happy event where the Indians and the true Americans (whites) got together probably sang some songs ate a shitload of food and probably watched the big Indian lacrosse games (the NFL wasn't invented back then you dumbfuck.) I remember dressing up like an Indian in preschool with my brown paper grocery bag as my Indian vest and those arts and crafts feathers as my headress and then forced to run around the room singing "10 little Indians." I really believe if there had been Indians from the 1600's present for that performance there would be no way they would have been able to tell we weren't really Indians too, we were that fucking good. Sadly though, I don't really believe that the first Thanksgiving was as peaceful and happy as we are led to believe. I wouldn't blame the Indians if they acted violently against the Americans, what the fuck would you do if some people just pulled into your land and started talking about how it belonged to them because they have guns. I just can't believe they'd be like, "Damn glad to meet you strange gun and venereal disease wielding white folks, please share us in enjoying this sweet ass Cornucopia!!!!"

Anyways regardless of what went down 400 years ago, the bottom line is we Americans get a 3 day work week, not to mention Wednesday night being the biggest drinking night of the year (another tip of the cap to the Indians.) So honestly, I think we need to be thankful to the Indians this Thanksgiving for they deserve our respect and admiration. Without further ado, here are the top 5 Indians of all time.

5) Sacajawea:

For those of you who do not have a Silver Dollar collection like I do and therefore do not know that Sacajawea was honored by the US Treasury Department on tender queerer than everything out there except 2 dollar bills, I'll let you in on the legend of Sacajawea. Lewis and Clark, two explorers were venturing across the country to check out the recent Louisiana purchase. Now this was pre-Katrina so Louisiana came at a high value. Anyway, they hired a frenchman to take them across the territory mostly because his wife was an Indian and spoke Shoshone. One of the amazing and empowering characteristics of Sacajawea to women and to Indians was that she carried her baby, Jean Baptiste (most likely named after Sacajawea's father) with her for the entire trek. Sacajawea proved to be an incredible guide through the Pacific Northwest and because of their travels I think we have a lot of things to be grateful to her for. Just think of all the things that the West coast and the Pacific Northwest has provided us. Starbucks. Hollywood. Gangster rap. San Fernando Valley porn. The album cover of Nirvana "Nevermind." So when you are sitting at Thanksgiving remember what you are really thankful for...that baby swimming in the pool naked about to be caught by that fishing hook with the dollar bill attached to it. Thank you Sacajawea, you are a true Indian hero.

4) Tonto

If you are under the age of 75, you probably don't know who this is. You see apparently in our parents day they didn't have Guitar Hero 3 to entertain them at night. To be brutally honest, they didn't even have Guitar Hero 1, I know I'm thinking the same thing, I couldn't live in a world without Guitar Hero either I would definitely have to pull a 'Cobain' (more kudos to Sacajawea for that one!). Anyways, to entertain themselves, they would listen to the radio and one of the most popular shows was "The Lone Ranger" only he wasn't alone, he had a trusty sidekick named Tonto. Tonto knew the lay of the land and he would guide the Ranger. Tonto was a bit of a controversial character, you see in other languages Tonto means "idiot" or "fool" which producers indicated was purely a coincidence. Either way, Tonto was a great sidekick rivaled only by Robin, Supergirl, and Andy Richter.

3) Notah Begay III

One of the few men in the world who can say that he once hazed Tiger Woods while they were both at Stanford, Begay has made a name for himself on the PGA Tour becoming one of the premiere golfers in the world. Notah first gained fame by shooting a 59 on the minor league tour and then rising up to the big boys and winning a few tournaments. What looked to be a promising career started to take a turn for the worse a couple years ago due to some off course activities. As it turned out Notah exemplifies the Indian stereotype of being a boozer, however is not as good of a drinker and driver as most people I know, so he picked up a couple DWI's along the way. With laws strengthening against multiple offenders the judge in the case decided that jail time was necessary, 7 days to be exact. I know what you are thinking, "This is just ridiculous, he's a professional golfer, he can't afford to spend time away from the golf course for one day let alone seven!!" Luckily for Begay, this was the thinking of the judge as well because he only required Begay to spend the nights in jail, during the daytime, like most prisoners, he was able to leave prison and go play golf. Some say this was letting Begay off the hook, but come on, hes a professional athlete, he deserves the special treatment. I think the real reason he was given such preferential treatment was because the judge knew he was an Indian, and this was just his way of thanking him for all the struggles Notah has suffered through including Stanford, the Buy.com golf tour, and the PGA tour. Begay has lived the life of a nomad, much like his Indian brothers whose land was stripped from them 400 years prior.

2) Chief Wahoo

Wahoo is mentioned here representing all of the athletic teams who have paid their homage to the Indians of the past. Chief Wahoo is the mascot and logo for the Cleveland Indians and one word comes to mind when I think of this tribute: Authenticity. I've never met a real live Indian, however if I did, I imagine he would look exactly like Chief Wahoo. The skin color looks so natural and that smile is just a perfect representation of how happy the Indians were when we stripped them of their women, children, and land. Something else I love about sporting teams which adopt Indian nicknames is that they are always ferocious in almost a Neaderthal type of way. Whether its the Redskins being 'Braves on the Warpath', to the Braves doing the Tomahawk Chop, of Chief Oceola throwing a flaming arrow at the 50 yard line before the Florida State games. This is kind of bullshit though. Obviously Indians weren't all that tough or else they would have been able to dodge our bullets and/or herpes.

1) Zack Morris aka "Running Zack"

Saved by the Bell had some really touching episodes, including the ones where Kelly dumped Zack for that older guy who worked at The Max and Jessie gets hooked on Caffeine pills to the point where she would suck off Mr. Tuttle for another bottle. However, none were as powerful or and poignant as the episode where Zack does the project on his Native American ancestors. You might better remember the episode as the one where we find out that the Spano family was once involved in the slave trade, and Jessie tries to make reparations to Lisa any way she can. You see, Zack was given an ultimatum, either get his shit together in the classroom or he can't run for track team against hated Valley. Speaking of Valley, how shitty of a sports program did they have to have. I mean seriously, Bayside had what, three athletes in the entire school? Slater, Ox, and sometimes Zack? Yet somehow they always managed to beat Valley. Who the fuck was their star athlete? Corky from "Life Goes On?"

Anyways, Zack is referred to some pothead, old hippie surfer, who was apparently part Indian. He lets Zack in on the secret that Zack is in fact part Indian and gives him the official tribal nickname of "Running Zack." I guess the Morris tribe moved across the country as part of the Trail of Tears because last I checked there weren't many tribes hanging out in Southern California. Anyways, out of the blue that old hippie ends up dying on the day Zack is supposed to give his presentation, probably due to his excessive marijuana usage. This inspires Zack to give the same shitty presentation he had planned on giving however he dressed up in full Indian attire to honor the dead stoner, which of course meant he deserved an 'A' and he could run for Bayside. What's the moral of this story? Don't do drugs unlesss you want do die like that old hippie Indian!

That brings us to the end of our list of distinguished Indians, hopefully while stuffing your face this Thanksgiving, you will remember the sacrifices that men and women made for you so that you can have the 2 days off from work.

2007 Dallas Cowboys Senior Yearbook

2007-11-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

As you might be able to gather, I am not too high on the Redskins right now. Making matters worse our star receiver Brandon Lloyd just broke his collarbone in practice and is out for the year. I must admit I was incredibly excited when we traded for that piece of shit from the Niners, but looking back on that, I don't really think he was worth the 3rd and 4th round picks we gave up for him. I think the flag should have gone up when the Niners were trying to unload him even though he was a decent receiver. Look at who they have now catching passes, the former quarterbacks from Notre Dame and Penn State (Arnaz Battle and Michael Robinson.) He really has put up some good productions, last year he had what was statistically the worst season ever by a starting receiver, and this year he backed it up with a great campaign, 2 catches 16 yards. Hes had some great deep routes though this season including that last attempt in the Eagles game where he shyed away from the hits rather than catch a ball which would extended the game. But, I should really take it easy on the guy, he does smile in pictures and his teammates say hes good at football, so it should be alright. Anyways, even though we're without Lloyd this week or the rest of the season there still is football to play.

This week the Skins play the Dallas Cowboys who are quickly becoming America's team once again with wonderboy Tony Romo at the helm. I'm sad to say that this rivalry is not what it once was and I would go as far as to say the Redskins - Eagles games are more intense. However, if you go to RFK and sit in the bleachers and are really quiet you can still hear chants of "We Want Dallas." Some say its the spirits of the fans that once inhabited the stands, other say its the wind, however most agree its just my Father after having too many wine coolers and thinking back to his days in the Navy where his roommate's name was "Dallas." Irregardless this city has some serious history with this team. With constant turnover in the NFL due to free agency and player death (Darrent Williams, that other guy on the Broncos who nobody had heard of) there are a lot of new faces on the Cowboys, and I think we should get familiar with them before the big game Sunday. As the Skins start to falter it looks like the Boys are going onto bigger and better things, much like graduating high school seniors, so without further ado, here are your 2007 Dallas Cowboy Senior Superlatives!!!

Tank Johnson Most Felonious

You may not recognized Tank Johnson from Dallas's first 8 games of the season, thats because he was suspended by the NFL for a multitude of reasons including possessing illegal firearms such as assault rifles as well as drugs. He really shores up the defensive line with a fierce prescence, he probably got that from the 45 days he spent in jail earlier this year. Anyways, you really have to hand it to the Cowboys for giving guys second chances. From Leon Lett's excessive drug problems, to Michael Irvin's crack & sex toy parties with hooker in hotel rooms, Dallas has always forgiven players who can perform on the field.

Marion Barber III Most likely to be an Oreo

Now if you look at Barber's field image, fucking jacked, dreads, just runs over people you would think this guy is a thug. However this is not the case at all. This guy didn't grow up in South Central, 8 Mile, Camden, or even Baltimore. He's from fucking Plymouth, Minnesota. I bet his gang fucking ran shit at the Mall of America, he probably used to get into fights with Pee wee hockey players all the time growing up. Must be a pretty fucking tough life when your father was a pro football player too. I bet Barber learned everything he knew about the streets from Boyz 'n the Hood and you know what else, I bet that pussy cried when Ricky got shot at the end.

Leonard Davis Most likely to join Darrent Williams and Eric Clapton's son the soonest

At 6'6'' and roughly 370 pounds Davis is a gigantic man, which can be quite dangerous. You see the life expectancy for people his size is about 50 years old, which if he were living in Nambia, would be the equivalent of 120. But unfortunately for Davis, this is America and it sucks to be him. You know who else it sucks for, his mother. You see Davis has what you might call a big family. Some say a "big family" is 4 kids, well for the Davis family they decided to stop procreating after Leonard who was their 23rd kid. I just think that is the smartest thing in the world, I often think what would happen if I unexpectedly became a father, which will never happen because I practice the safest sex of all - pulling out. But I couldn't afford to have just one child on my modest salary let alone 23. I'm sure the Davises were financially secure and probably spoke to a financial planner before having each child so I shouldn't be judging, but god damn, Mrs. Davis's vag must have been like a deflated parachute after Leonard came out.

Terrell Owens Most likely to pull an "Owen Wilson"

TO has tried it once last year already, I mean who can really blame him, everywhere he goes he is hated, even the fans at his home stadium only like him now because he is wearing their colors. I love the way that his publicist spun the suicide attempt. When asked if TO lacked a will to live, she replied, "He's got 25 million reasons not to commit suicide." Eight years ago he scored a touchdown in Dallas playing for the Niners and sprinted to the Cowboys star and celebrated before he was leveled by George Teague of the Cowboys. This shit would never happen in DC, Deion Sanders was the closest thing we had and everyone still hated him. Everyone says that TO has changed his tune, "Oh, TO is different now, he's a great teammate when he plays for a winner." Know where else I heard this shit? 2004 for the fucking Eagles, how did that end up?

Tony Romo Most likely to experience burning during urnination

As much as I wanted to write about Romo being a flamer, it just doesn't look like thats the case. However, his choice of company is something that one needs to question. First of all, its well documented that he just broke up with Carrie Underwood which signifies he is a fucking idiot. Did he hear what her hit song was all about? How shes gonna fuck up her ex-boyfriend's car and all his stuff, granted it was about cheating, but still shes a fucking nut job and she will fuck him up if she has to. Then he was involved with Britney Spears, real fucking great idea, I personally dig the chemo look and wish she had kept her head shaved. However, when Romo was banging Britney I wonder if he insisted on doing doggy or if hes just a sick fuck that gets off to banging bitches with C-section scars. He probably gets off to that shit, that sick fucker. Romo strikes me as the type of guy who would sweet talk his way into not having to use a condom, he doesn't use my usual go to of drunkenly muttering, "Come on baby, it feels better" then when she says no just throwing on a Magnum knowing full well I am a thin at best and having it slip off during the 150 awkward thrusts in the 90 seconds of passion. He probably has all kinds of great lines to ride bareback, but the bad news for him is that those skanks hes sleeping are carrying friends. At best these friends are known as pubic lice and at worst he will be peeing blood.

This is your team America, I hope you are proud of them. And I must admit, after examining these Cowboys, "True Redskins" aka players no other team wants like Rock Cartwright, Lorenzo Alexander, and James Thrash don't sound all that bad.

Prediction: Redskins +10.5 (You won't find me making a prediction that has the Skins losing, however they won't lose by more than 10 points.)

Political Prisoners in the 21st Century

2007-11-13T21:22:00.000-05:00

Before I get started here today I have to come out and ask you readers to do me a huge favor. After you're finished reading the blog, go ahead and click on a link for the sponsors. I mean, come on how can you possibly resist? Look at this shit, right now theres an ad there for customizable fruit roll ups! Who doesn't need that?!? AND Halloween costumes for boys AND girls! Holy fuck what a deal. Plus I get paid mad loot, so far I've made $1.50, which, in case you are counting at home, is enough to get a hand job from two hookers in Vegas for 3.5 seconds.

Anyways, I wanted to address a very serious issue that has been troubling our society for decades. It started in the 60's when Muhammad Ali rejected entering the draft for the Vietnam war by stating, "I don't have a problem with the Viet Cong -- they never called me a Ninja." Now, why Ali needed to assault an ancient Oriental practice is beyond me, I'm just going off what Wikipedia says and everyone knows that shit is legit. The result of this courageous act was a sentencing to prison. By standing up for what he believed in, Ali was doomed to become a political prisoner. Today, these types of prisoners still loom large in the world, especially in the world of sports. Having the courage to stand up for what they believe in has landed these three men behind bars.

Rae Carruth

Probably the least famous of the three athletes discussed today, Rae had a very promising career with the Carolina Pathers as a wide receiver. However, this was abruptly halted when Carruth stood up for what he believed in. You see, Carruth was dating a young woman named Cherica Adams and in what must have been some sort of immaculate conception (since they were not married) Adams became pregnant with Carruth's child. About 8 months deep into the pregnancy, Carruth decided, you know what, I don't believe I want to be a father right now. So he rounded up some of his boys and they stopped her in traffic, and did what any reasonable person would do -- yeah they shot her multiple times. Unfortunately for Carruth, Adams was not dead yet and fingered him (no fingering jokes here guys, come on, this is serious). Carruth went into hiding much like Michael Corleone did when he went to the old country where he had fine cuisine and spent countless nights with the love of his life. Carruth's hiding was pretty much exactly like that except replace "old country" with "trunk of his car", "fine cuisine" with "candy bars" and "the love of his life" with "bottles of his own urine." Carruth was eventually found and convicted of conspiracy. Needless to say, Carruth is being persecuted for the same reasons as Ali or Civil Rights protestors, and it needs to stop.

Pacman Jones

I know what you are thinking, "What is the meaning of this?? How can a man named Pacman actually be in trouble with the law!?!" I know, its hard to believe, but if this case teaches you anything, it should teach you that you just can't judge a book by its cover. Pacman recently ran into a tiff with the cops over NBA Allstar weekend where he was allegedly, and I cannot stress allegedly enough, found to be a culprit in the shooting and ultimate paralysis of a bouncer at a strip club. How did this happen? Let's go through the story that the owner of the strip club gave the cops. Now before I go into the detail I must warn you that the owner of the stip club is white, and therefore is almost certainly jealous that Pacman is black and has lots of money, so he is extremely likely to be making this shit up.

The story goes that Pacman decided that there were a couple people in the back of the club getting lap dances that couldn't see all his bling, so he wanted to make sure they knew he was loaded. So, Pacman did what any reasonable millionaire would do, he "made it rain" $10,000 over the strippers on the dance floor by dropping the cash on them. Now, it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to know that the money thrown at the strippers at the strip club DID NOT belong do them, it was only for the enjoyment of the audience. Well, wouldn't you know it? The fucking strippers started to collect the money as if it was theirs!! Now, if you're like me, just reading this has got to get you fucking incensed. In my humble opinion, I think Pacman reacted with class as a gentleman should react when put in this terrible situation. Pacman, calmly jumped up on stage and proceeded to punch the stripper in the face and slam her head onto the edge of the stage. I really can't believe she even thought of pressing charges, she was way out of line. For some reason, the bouncers decided to get involved, so not cool, they should have recognized the deal and honored guy code. Anyways, Pacman is finally escorted out of the club but not before he points at a bouncer who had punced him and told him that he was going to kill him. Time passes and wouldn't you know it an amazing coincidence, some guy who was in Pacman's entourage comes back and shoots that same bouncer, paralyzing him for life.

Pacman has not been convicted yet, however it does not look good for the man. It's a real shame though, Pacman was standing up for his right to property (his cash), and if you deny him that you are denying him a Constitutional right and I will be damned if I sit here while some stripper who's never heard of "making it rain" tries to tread on the flag of the United States of America! FREE PAC-MAN! FREE PAC-MAN! (chanted to the tune of "Free Carl Lee" from A Time to Kill)

Michael Vick

Oh boy, what to say about Michael Vick that hasn't already been said. Much like most young men my age, I developed my man crush on Michael Vick his freshman season at Virginia Tech. At the first ever major D1-A football game I attended Vick lit up Ken Dorsey and the U on their way to the Sugar Bowl where I was also lucky enough to attend. Vick lit up FSU and almost single handedly carried them to an improbable National Championship upset. Unfortunately, they came up short, but that made no difference in the fact that I would have gladly lost my homo mouth AND throat virginity to that man. Due to some facts that were later revealed about Vick, I'm glad I still hold onto those two items. You see, many people forget the controversy surrounding Vick just a couple years back. It just so happened that when Vick went on road trips he would check into hotels under the psuedonym "Ron Mexico." Ron Mexico must have been Vick's alter ego, you know a person that would allow Vick to pursue his true passion without any paparazzi -- giving girls genital herpes. An acquaintance of Vick's sued him for giving her the disease, claiming that Vick had used the Mexico name when he went to clinics searcing cures, thus he was congnizant that he had the affliction. I know what you're saying, "So what, who here doesn't have a case of herpes every once in a while??" Well this is not the reason that Vick is the political prisoner, I just want to set things up for his real transgression.

It really doesn't need to be explained, but again, in case you are Amish or your name is Helen Keller, in which case, what a fucking miracle it is that you can read this, Michael Vick got into trouble for fighting and killing dogs. He was the leader of the "Bad Newz Kennelz" in Surry County, VA. You can tell they were fucking hardcore by all the "Z"s that they use in the name. Yeah they can spell, Vick went to college, they just don't want to. Speaking of Vick going to college, how proud were the Virginia Tech alums when this story broke. I was so happy when any Hokies tried to talk shit when my school played them in football earlier this year. Honestly, how can you be proud of your school when your most famous "alumni" didn't even graduate and still has buildings named after him, oh and by the way he knowingly spreads herpes and straps female dogs to rape stands so the male dogs can have their way. Real proud tradition assface Frank Beamer has going down there. Thats right, that chunk of flesh that looks like a deformity is his ass, he had it attached there when he was in a fire as a child. I've seen it up close and I'm pretty sure hes still got a dingleberry left over from his childhood.

Anyways, back to Vick, yeah he too is a political prisoner, or will be for 1-2 years. The only reason hes getting put away is because this shit leaked to the press and the Feds decided they wanted to make headlines by taking down a BLACK quarterback. Those Southerers just couldn't accept that their last position was getting taken over so they had to crack down and search deep into the law books to find the most outdated and irrelevant law they could find and convict Vick of it. They dug deep and found that it is in fact illegal to drown, electrocute, fight, and rape dogs. You know they say Civil Rights are here, however, when shit like this goes down it opens my eyes to see how racism still is beyond rampant in the South and shit just doesn't change. According to his press conference it would appear that Vick has found Jesus, lets just hope he can take his time in prison to understand that he can come out of this as a real leader for Civil Rights.

As you can plainly see, these three men are products of an unjust system and are blatently being persecuted for their belief system. Are we as Americans going to stand by as our brothers sit behind bars and have their rights brutalized much like Vick brutalized those puppies?? NO! Join me to raise up and fight the man, a click on the Kids costume link at the bottom of this page is the first step in freeing Rae Carruth from the shackles of prison!

Gibbs: Don't let history repeat itself!

2007-11-12T13:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, in the waning minutes of the Redskins abortion of a game against hated conference rival the Philadelphia Eagles, it occurred to me that the finger of blame needed to be pointed somewhere. Could we point to the fact that Clinton Portis needs to take things more seriously and stop dressing up like a salsa dancing Chinese woman? No, he led the league in rushing yesterday behind a decimated offensive line. Could we point to Jason Campbell not living up to the expectations when he was drafted in the first round? No, he had a hell of a game yesterday with 3 touchdown passes. Could we even point to the defense that gave up the easy scores by the Eagles? No, they were beyond banged up beyond recognition. There is only one place to point the blame. Joe Gibbs. Now in his fourth season, Gibbs has made absolutely no progress and this team is likely to finish the season without a winning record for the third time in his tenure. When he was first hired, many were apprehensive, because it seemed as though there was no way he could ever be fired for the entire city would turn on management. Guess what, they were wrong. Opinion about Gibbs is dropping faster in DC than a Tri-Delt’s panties on senior formal night. The game has obviously passed him by and he is quickly wearing out his welcome in our nation’s capital. In order to maintain his legacy and avoid the embarrassment of people making facebook groups entitled “100,000 strong supporting the firing of Coach Gibbs” Gibbs should step down. Joe really needs to look back at history and see other examples of people wearing out their welcome to see what awful things could end up occurring to him if he sticks around too long.

The Original Vivian: Fresh Prince of Bel Air

You all know exactly what I’m talking about. She was the darker skinned Aunt Viv who was the college professor, strong willed, and really skinny. She lasted for like 3 or 4 seasons when all of the sudden she was replaced with no explanation by the lighter skinned woman who also was a housewife. Why did she wear out her welcome you might ask? Hmm, let me see, maybe because Fresh Prince of Bel Air was on NBC where the closest thing they have to a Black lead actor was that Exterminator on Seinfeld. Viv threatened the white audience. In fact, the exact moment that led to her ultimate dismissal can be identified. It came when Aunt Viv volunteered to teach the African-American history class at Bel Air Prep and all the rich white kids, who were for some unexplained reason really interested in learning songs that slaves used to sing, asked Professor Banks for an example. The moment Aunt Viv led the class in singing, “Wade in the Water” it was over. The next season NBC replaced her without any explanation to the audience by someone who looked completely different and was much less threatening. I love it when shows do this, do they really think their audience is that fucking stupid that they won’t even question the fact that there is an entirely different actor in the show. This shit happened on Roseanne too when they threw in Sarah Chalke to play Becky. That was the most unbelieveable shit, who would ever believe that that hottie could come from Dan and Roseanne Connor, that shit pisses me off.

Anna Nicole Smith

This is another bitch who wore out her welcome in the hearts of Americans. This former Playboy playmate and major motion picture star was on top of the world back in 1994. She had just starred in the critically acclaimed hit Naked Gun: 33 1/3 as the whore girlfriend (pretty big stretch) who as it turned out (spoiler alert) was packing a dong piece. However, all of this success meant very little to her because the real success in her life was that she had finally found true love! In 1991, Cupid shot his arrow at Anna Nicole and he shot it fucking hard! They say love finds you when you least expect it, however Smith proved to be an exception to this rule as she found love in the most conventional of ways. One night, while stripping at a Houston area club, a man was pushed into the club while sitting in his wheel chair. In the middle of her dance, Smith had to stop as her eyes met those of this man, J. Howard Marshall, who, if he were able to walk, would easily be mistaken for a Greek god. It was love at first sight. Coincidentally and entirely irrelevant to their relationship, it turned out Marshall was a multi-billionaire. Anyways, they got married and lived happily ever after. After 13 months of blissful marriage, the couple hit their first roadblock in their relationship…Marshall died. Somehow, Smith was able to get over her grief of the loss of her soul mate and ruthlessly fight his children for his money. She ended up getting a good portion and went onto more great things, such as starring in the Anna Nicole Smith show where she spent most of the time on her fat ass screaming at the camera about how she wanted chocolate. We were also fortunate enough to have her in our lives for those Nutri-system commercials. She was fucking everywhere. Unfortunately, earlier this year, God was jealous that we got to enjoy her talents for so long and he wanted to be entertained by her as well, so he took her away from us. Some say she died from too much weight loss supplement. However, to this day I hold that the real reason she died was because of a broken heart. Finally, she is reunited with her one true love J. Howard Marshall in heaven. Please don’t cry because our time with Anna Nicole is over…smile because it happened!

As you can plainly see, the precedent has been set for Joe Gibbs. Get out now on your own terms or be subject to replacement by a lighter skinned, less threatening man/die due to overdose of nutritional supplements.

Macarena 2K7

2007-11-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

I remember coming back from a two week family vacation in Italy, rising into the 8th grade when I was met with this brand new craze hitting popular culture. It was this awesome dance which involved putting your hands forward, behind your head, crossing your hips, and then finally on your ass. The Macarena was amazing, and I was fucking good at it. I couldn’t fucking wait until the first middle school dance where I could show off just how good I was at this dance to my Middle School girlfriends who I really never even talked to. Well, that was 1998, this is now. Times have changed and we have entered a new sexual revolution. I’m not sure why this is exactly, perhaps it’s the rise of Internet porn, perhaps it’s the fact that Magic Johnson showed that if you’re rich then you are actually immune to AIDS, most likely its because Justin Timberlake ripped Janet Jackson’s clothing off at the Super Bowl a couple years back. Nevertheless, the media has changed, music has changed. The fucking Macarena wouldn’t fly at all these days. No, instead the new craze at Junior high dances is this brand new dance.

In case you are Amish and don’t own a radio, yet for some reason stumbled onto this website while searching for some forbidden porn at your local library, let me tell you about this new song called Crank that (Soulja boy) by Tellem. I know, right, you’re saying to yourself, finally, someone spelled Soldier the way Jesus wanted it to be spelled. Anyways, this dance is the new craze, I still haven’t learned it yet because to be honest I’m really scared I might contract sickle cell anemia if I do. While the Macarena sang about happy things like how the lead singer is over a “Boy whose name is Ittolino” with 2 jolly old Mexicans yelling “HEY MACARENA,” Soulja boy takes a different tactic when talking about love. Let’s take a look at the lyrics and dissect the glory that is Crank That and the lesson its teaching to our children.

Chorus: x2]

Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe

Watch Me Crank It

Watch Me Roll

Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy

Then Super Man Dat Hoe

I love the way we get started here, just put it out there that we’re going to be disrespecting women in the first line of the song. It’s pretty much a disclaimer; get out now if you are not a misogynist, if you are, sit back and enjoy the ride! Also, I’m not sure if most people think the artist Tellem (if that is his real name) is a big fan of Superman, but I recently came to find out that Superman entails banging the “hoe” and while you are on top lifting your arms and legs into the air to fly on top of her with your entire weight resting of her as if you’re Superman. Needless to say it’s a pretty hot move and gives the girl lots of pleasure equaled only by her boyfriend either titty fucking her or cumming on her face.

Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now this is just Tellem bragging that he can do the Soulja Boy dance. Real impressive buddy, you fucking came up with the dance I hope you fucking remember how to do it!

[Verse 1:]Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe

Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock

Super Man Dat Hoe

Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop

Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock

Jocking On Them Haterz Man

When I Do Dat Soulja BoyI Lean To The Left And Crank Dat thing(Now Yua!)

I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass

And If We Get The Fightin

Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch

You Catch Me At Yo Local Party

Yes I Crank It Everyday

Haterz Get Mad Cuz"I got me some papes today"

This is just more bragging by Tellem that since he’s now a major recording artist and will probably come out with a lot more hits much like multiple platinum artists like Chumbawumba or that lawnmower who sang Mambo #5 he can steal any ones girlfriend because hes gotten paid. He also reiterates that he does in fact know how to do the Soulja boy dance, just incase you had forgotten since the opening chorus. Do you ever wonder what goes through rap “artists” mind when they are writing their songs, I mean besides drugs. Seriously, look at some of these rhymes, I know a man by the name of “White Biggie” who could put these lyrics to shame. Larry David had a good bit with Crazy Eyez Killa one time talking about the semantics of a good rap song and the placement of words like “motherfucker” or “bitch,” I would really like to see the notebook that Tellem used much like B-Rabbit in 8-mile. Was he just riding down the road and thought, “You know what? Haterz be getting mad Cuz, ‘I got me some papes today’ Holy shit I’m a fucking genius, I’m putting that in Soulja boy!

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:]I'm Bouncin On My Toe

Watch Me Super Soak Dat Hoe

I'ma Pass It To Arab

Then He Gon crank it up 4 sholl (sholl)

Haterz Wanna Be MeSoulja Boy, I'm The Man

They Be Lookin At My Neck

Sayin Its The Rubberband Man (Man)

Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)

Dance (Dance)

Let Get To It (Let Get To It)

Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me

Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me

Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me

Man That Shit Was Ugly

Ahh, Verse 2, where the whole story finally comes together in a perfect neat little package. It’s where we first learn of Tellem’s affinity for super soaking dat hoe. The beauty of this is that much like a lot of the humor in a movie such as Shrek, Super soaking has a double entendre. This is why this song is such an appropriate song for kids. You see children thing you’re just having a friendly water gun fight when in fact you are really super soaking that bitch….with cum!! Genius. Any chance Virginia can get Tellem to be their next Poet Laureate? Start writing your Congressman now! What I really like about Tellem is that much like the bad boys of TGIF/TNBC, he doesn’t live by any ones rules but his own. Just look at the spelling of his words that I’m pretty sure would even show up in an Ebonics spell check as incorrect. I mean I used to spell words how they sounded, when I was in fucking preschool!!! Count it (plus the penalty, one shot).

[Chorus x4]

[Hook:]Im 2 clean off in this hoe

Watch me crank it

Watch me roll

Watch me crank that roosavelt

And super soak that Hoe [x10]

Im to fresh up in this bitch

Watch me shuffle

Watch me jig

Watch me crank my shoulder work

Super man that bitch [x6]

This is the fucking curtain call for Tellem, he wants to make sure if you go away from this song with anything, you go away with two things, Super soaking hoes and Super manning bitches. As he tells us to do so 16 times in the last couple minutes of this sonnet that would make Bill Shakespeare blush. My only criticism here is perhaps change up the order of the action. Perhaps first Superman, and then Super soak. This might speak more towards Tellem’s endurance as a lover because usually when I get done with my Super soakin’ the last thing on my mind is an old fashioned Superman. Plus, after you’ve supersoaked her you’ve got all your pleasure out, why give her any more by Supermanning her? Just one kink in the armor for Tellem, but hey even Jesus got mad and flipped tables over when people were selling goods at the Temple that time, so I think that Tellem can be forgiven.

Top 5 Athletes in Philadelphia History

2007-11-07T13:32:00.000-05:00

Granted, as a Washington area sports fan, I am a little biased in my opinion. However, without a doubt, the absolutely worst fans in the country and most likely the world are Philadelphia fans, specifically Philadelphia Eagles fans. Seriously, how many stadiums advise patrons not to bring their kids to the game because the amount of F-bombs and rowdy drunk fans that are present. Talk about a group of white trash racist fans who get wasted out of their minds and sing their fucking awful fight songs, totally oblivious to the fact that their team hasn't done shit in 50 years. Eagles fans have notoriously booed Santa Claus, thrown batteries at elderly mothers of Redskins players, cheered wildly as Michael Irvin lay motionless on the turf at Veteran's Stadium after a neck injury and possibly paralyzed for life, and cursed perhaps the city's best player and person in the past 50 years Donovan McNabb when he was drafted in 1999 pleading and begging for Ricky "Spliggity" Williams. All Eagles fans are miserable people, but come to think of it I would be too considering the talent that shithole of a city has produced. I'm spoiled, I come from a hotbed of great sporting figures and icons such as boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard, NBA all-stars Grant Hill, Steve Francis, and Allen Iverson, to sports announcing legend James Brown. Unfortunately for Philly, they don't have all that much to be proud of, in fact I truly have no idea how Philly fans can ever talk shit when all they have to show for themselves is the following 5 athletes. Without further ado, here is the best Philly has to offer:

#5. Vincent Papale

"Immortalized" by the recent movie "Invincible" aka "Rudy goes to the pros" aka "Wayne Chrebet had too many concussions in the NFL therefore was too punch drunk to agree to make a bio-pic," this tells the tale of Vincent Papale a recently divorced bartender who somehow makes it to the NFL and plays for the Eagles. Sure its a nice feel good story for this loser bartender to make the team, however let's step back and look at it from the Eagles' perspective. Was they're team really that shitty that they had to hire some bartender that was so much of a loser that even his own wife didn't want any part of him?? I bet he was an orphan too, his parents probably knew right away that he was a fucking loser and dumped him in foster care. To be honest, I didn't actually see this movie because I refuse to support anything that has to do with the Eagles whatsoever, but I imagine Papale made some big play or something a la Rudy making that sack with his family in the stands after Vince Vaughn threw that sick touchdown pass. But either way, its pretty sad that he makes Philly's top 5 list.

#4 Will Smith

If you are from Philadelphia and you got fucking excited everytime the Fresh Prince theme song came and Will sang "In West Philadelphia born and raised..." then you just need to end yourself, thats it, go ahead, do it, you're life is not worth living. I'll wait for you....ok now that the world is a better place, let's take a look at Philly's #4 best athlete of all time. I'm not going to deny that Will was a tremendous athlete, he was. If you remember back to his days playing on Bel-Air prep's basketball team he fucking dominated. Remember that time that he kissed that busted cheerleader, then went in for the dunk?? Bottom line, that was fucking awesome. I was so pissed at fucking Carlton in that episode. Why the fuck should Will pass the ball to some faggot who wears a bowtie. I never told anyone this, but whenever I watched that show and Jazz would come into the house, I was secretly hoping that he was high on crack and packing heat and that Carlton would look at him the wrong way so he would just pop that sissy. Anyways, the bottom line is that Will Smith was a fucking pussy he bounced out of Philadelphia after one little fight, which was obviously pretty fucking rough. Did you see those gangsters spin Will around their heads??? His stomach could have been seriously upset from that!! His mother was right to worry and ship him across country. I mean Will did deserve that shit though, that was fucked up when the ball rolled over to those thugs and hit their stereo. That shit is expensive/hard to steal!

#3. Smarty Jones

In 2004, Smarty Jones burst onto the Thoroughbred scene by winning the Kentucky Derby and The Preakness, however the horse will forever be immortalized by the fact that Jessica Simpson picked it to win in that classic episode of Newlyweds. A horse as a city's top athlete? Yeah it is sad, but this is fucking Philadelphia people, its a pretty sad city. Much like the local sports teams, Smarty Jones got to the pinnacle of triumph, winning the first two legs of the triple crown, however much like Donovan McNabb gagged on his vomit in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, so too did Smarty Jones choke at Belmont. These days, Smarty Jones has become a gigilo, roaming pastures, plugging mares. It must be nice to know that your cum is worth millions of dollars, mine is only worth $2.99. I know because you can buy it now on eBay with a valid Pay Pal account.

#2. Rocky

Once again another fictional figure takes up a spot in Philadelphia athletic lore. Rocky has become the galvanizing persona in all of Philadelphia sports. Some people have statues of presidents, political leaders or even socially significant athletes like Arthur Ashe in Richmond. What is perhaps the greatest landmark in Philly, equivocated only by the Liberty bell? Thats right, the statue of some 'roided up actor playing an underdog boxer. Honestly, Clubber Lang was much more of a badass with a haircut that inspired a nation (including the lead singer of a certain cover band.) I'm not sure what was really more likely, Rocky actually beating Apollo, Clubber, and Drago, or the Eagles ever winning the Super Bowl. Speaking of the Eagles, do you think Andy Reid supplemented his income by whoring out his kids to the underground black market of heroine dealing? Would this really surprise anyone? Just goes to show once again that you can never trust a man with a mustasche.

#1, 1a Andrew Beckett and Miguel Alvarez

Some say the greatest battery in Philadelphia history was Curt Schilling tossing to old Darren Daulton, who is by the way out of his mind these days. However, they would be completely mistaken. You see, Daulton and Schilling, while amazing and all-stars in their own right, were not able switch things up and have Schilling play catcher and Daulton do the pitching unless they planned on getting their shit pushed in by the other team. This is the beauty of Beckett and Alvarez, the stars of Philadelphia and why they are the greatest athletes in Philly history. Alvarez, obviously the "ace" pitcher might put in a good night of pitching, however, if he ever got tired, or just decided he was sick of living and wanted to die from AIDS, he could tap Beckett to do the pitching and he could do the catching. The beauty of this was that it did not matter who was doing the pitching or the catching because ultimately both of their shit was getting pushed in!! This dynamic duo is the epitomy of Philadelphia athletics.

Congrats Philly! Your best is comprised of a horse, a divorced probably orphaned bartender, a sitcom character, the same guy who delivered the line "I'll be the judge of that" in Judge Dredd, and two gays, one of which is dead from AIDS!!!

Ultimate TGIF Badasses

2007-11-05T10:53:00.000-05:00

So I'm flipping through the channels this weekend and I come across an old episode of "Family Matters" on TBS. This episode looked like it came from one of the first seasons because Urkel was still Urkel and not that faggot Stephone Urquell. I think that show officially jumped the shark when Urkel created that transporter thing in his basement which would transform nerdy people into cool ones, really great message to kids, if you're not happy with who you are, people will probably like you a lot better if you can somehow make yourelf better looking and cooler.

This episode was a touching one where Urkel and the gang go to a rooftop party and some badass kid whose name escapes me along with his sidekick Waldo Retardo Faldo, who many forget was a bad kid before he started hanging out with Eddie, decide to spike the punch. This episode is also famous because it featured "The Urkel Dance." For some reason at a random point in the episode music starts playing and Urkel starts singing lines such as, "If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants!" For some unexplained reason (probably the booze) everyone starts doing the dance and singing even though everyone, including his parents, hates Urkel. Anyway, the badass kid doesn't like all the attention Urkel is getting so he intentionally spikes Steve's drink to the point where Urkel gets fucking wasted. Urkel does what any drunk would do at a rooftop party, he dances over the ledge and eventually has to be rescued. Carl Winslow eventually takes care of business, the badass gets in trouble, and someone makes some shitty joke about how Urkel is going to have a hangover. Anyways, I remember watching this when I was young nearly in tears as I thought the badass was going to kill Urkel, however looking back now I realize that there were a lot of pretty hard characters in the TGIF/TNBC lineups, lets take a look at a few of them:

JT Lambert: Step by Step

In a show which was supposed to be a dysfunctional Brady Bunch, JT represented the leader of the clan from the other side of the train tracks. He was supposed to be the Greg Brady that you didn't want to bring home to your parents. He lived by no ones rules but his own. He fucking hated his Step sister Dana from the moment they met and called that bitch "Barky." Speaking of which, is it strange that the kids of the newly married parents had never met each other before they started living with each other. Wouldn't that be one of the first things you would do before you got married?

JT's posse included his little brother Brendan, his dyke sister Al, his friend the Hobbit, and his cousin Cody. Pretty tough crew, Cody is actually the only guy who gives him any sort of street cred because hes actually been to jail for spousal abuse in real life. I wonder how many girls the Code-man slayed in that kickass van of his in the back yard. Did he even have a job or anything or was he just some homeless guy whose parents hated him much like Urkel. And where the hell did that Surfer accent come from? They live in fucking Wisconsin! Anyway JT lost all street cred and toughness in the episode where that hot chick who was way out of his league and looked like the Doritos girl wanted to "do it!!" JT was too much of a pussy and almost came to tears telling the girl he wanted to wait. I think this same scenario happened with Cody, who claimed he was a virgin. That was the biggest crock of shit I'd ever heard, Cody was so fucking cool even I'd fuck him.

Shawn Matthews: Boy Meets World

Another character who was from the wrong side of the train tracks and lived by no one's rules but his own, Shawn was in effect an orphan. His father was a trucker who was on the road all the time while his mother was never heard from during the sitcom's run, most likely because she was a hooker. Shawn could be recognized by his long hair parted in a butt cut, yet swayed in front of his eyes so he would have to brush it out. How do I know so much about this? Because as a young pre-teen I wanted the exact same hair! I would purposedly have my hair fall in front of my eyes and quickly brush it away just like Shawn used to do, just because he was a badass. Everything about Shawn was fucking badass, even the actor's name who played him: Rider Strong. Sure it sounds like the name for a gay porn star, but so does Wyatt Earp and we all know that he was fucking hard. Anyway, Shawn had a couple of true badass moments, the first coming when he decides it would be fun to take up drinking, which is fucking awesome. The greatest thing about this is that within 24 hours, Shawn goes from never having tasted a sip of alcohol, to breaking down after being confronted by his friends and the family of his friends (since his family hated him). Another badass moment comes towards the end of the line for the sitcom. When Shawn dates.....the black girl!!! Such scandal, especially in a city like Philadelphia where they idolize the fictional White boxer "Rocky" rather than an actual real boxer Joe Frazier who is Black.

Shawn's posse is definitely more legit than JT's however, that really isn't saying much, especially when his right hand man Cory gets no street cred for dating and ultimately marrying that fat bitch Topanga. She was a fucking psycho too if you remember early episodes of the show. That bitch's mom was into holistic medicine and shit. I bet she was some palm reading hooker and thats how Topanga was conceived. In fact I'd be willing to bet that Shawn and Topanga share the same mother, maybe even the same father. Also in Shawn's posse is Joey Lawrence's little brother who played Shawn's long lost brother, another shocker, Shawn's trucker father impreganated another hooker on the road...word to the wise Shawn, double bag it with that Black girl, sounds like that Matthews sperm is pretty potent.

AC Slater: Saved by the Bell

Perhaps the most notorious TGIF/TNBC badass, Slater made his entrance to Bayside High as the Army brat who had moved all across the country and the world with his Seargent father. He was the tough kid, didnt have any time for friends, what with being the captain of the football and Wrestling team. It wasn't until he met the whole gang at Bayside where we saw a softer side of Slater and he found out what true friendship really meant.

If you were to tune into Saved by the Bell for the first time you would be able to tell Kelly was the cheerleader, Zach was the schemester, Screech was the nerd that all the cool kids let hang out with them so they could cheat off him (much like someone I know named Tony), Jessie was the psychotic feminist doomed to working as a stripper, Lisa was black, and Slater was the badass. How would you know this about Slater? Well first there is the ripped body always shown off by a skinny tank top, not many people can pull this shit off but the great thing about Slater was that if you suggested he didn't look good, he would pound your stupid fucking face! I could just see Slater in a fight just beating the shit out of one of those token nerds with the gigantic horn rimmed glasses always held together at the nose by tape, "Fuck you you fucking nerds! Take this, and that! I'm fucking half-Spanish!!" Also helping Slater's cause was his treatment of women. Now, why he would ever be interested in a high brow self-righteous feminist such as Jessie Spano is beyond me, probably because hes fucking smart and saw she was weak, hence the episode where she was dependent on caffeine pills. Either way, AC Slater gets whipped by no woman and even though that bitch tried to get respect, Slater still oinked at her and called her "hot momma" because the bottom line was, AC could beat the shit out of her and she knew it, so she let him call her those names. Also, AC had a big dong and she liked that shit too...whore. Mario Lopez (AC Slater in real life for those of you that may be retarded) also showed is disrespect for women on his honeymoon with Ali Landry, the smoking hot Doritos girl. Lopez, like Slater proved that some birds aren't meant to be caged when he cheated on his new bride within 48 hours of being married. My guess? Landry was holding out until they got married so Slater went through the formalities of the wedding then laid some pipe, got bored and went out hunting for something new and strange.

Taking away from Slater being a true full fledged badass: The fact that he can dance. Did you see that homo dance in the Swan Lake performance? That was so ridiculous. Then Slater signs up for dancing with the stars, while I wouldn't go as far as to say Mario Lopez is a "star" he still got pretty far in the competition. Another negative is the fact that the band the gang was in was not named after Slater. "Zack Attack" would have been a lot more popular had they been named something like "Slater's Sluts" or "AC's Assholes." People would have been terrified that if they didn't buy their cassettes then Slater would beat the shit out of them. More turmoil for Slater occurred when he got into the fight with Zack over that transfer Tory. First of all Zack was a great friend and Slater's fists are deadly weapons. Why would you ever want to kill your friend, unless of course your name is Javon Walker who probably ordered the hit on Darrent Williams. Second of all, Tory was not that hot and kind of a dyke if you ask me. There were other hotties out there Slater, let Zack deal with the consequences when things get a little uncomfortable in the bedroom and Tory turns out to be a deviant and insists on wearing a strap on. Outside of that, AC Slater was truly a teen badass in every sense of the word.

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T10:53:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone is having a very blessed and safe Halloween today. I hope you are not one of those jackasses in the office who decided to dress up. There are a few of those walking around today, of course they are the talk of the office because it is just so outrageous. I really don't know what people get more excited for around here, when someone dresses up in some lame ass Clown costume or when 3 people wear the same colored shirt on the same day. People go ape shit over that, "Why didn't I get the memo?!?!?!" Honestly, there are days where I've walked into the office and seen that 2 other people in my group are wearing the same colored shirt and rather than dealing with awful jokes all day long I've seriously considered either 1) Hoping that no one saw me and running home and calling in sick or 2) Plummetting off the 5th floor balcony to my death.

Anyway, I digress, I wanted to touch on today's holiday. A day no doubt invented by pedophiles and sexual predators. I mean come on, think about it, all the registered sex offenders have got to be licking their chops tonight, especially for those kids who are going out tonight trick or treating for the first time without their parents. Personally, I wish they had a flag design which means you are a registered sex offender just like the queers have with that rainbow. I would fly that shit tonight so none of those fucking kids in their shitty costumes would come knocking on my door.

You can always tell which houses are the pedophiles because they are always the houses that make you come inside to get the candy or better yet, don't have any candy at all, they just have a big bag of pistachios and they allow the kids to grab a handful. I would also like to know where the legend of the razor blades in the apples came from. How fucked up of a person would you have to actually put razor blades into an apple, give it to a kid, and then just sit there all night hoping that a report ends up in the Daily Gazette that some kid had to go to the hospital due to an apple he got trick or treating.

As you get older, Halloween takes on a different meaning. Like most people I stopped trick or treating years ago and turned my intention to Christ's true meaning of Halloween: bitches dressing up like sluts! It was explained to me at one point that deep down, it is every girl's dream to dress like a whore. Lucklily for them Halloween allows them to express themselves without being called out by other girls. It's not a nurse, its a slutty nurse; It's not a butterfly, its a "slutterfly"; It's not Condoleeza Rice, its a slutty Condoleeza Rice; You get the picture. While this obviously is the one true purpose of this holiday, not everyone is able to sucessfully pull off the hot slut costume (eg. guys and fat, ugly bitches.) So what do they go to, equally embarrassing outfits.

Gay costume:

You all knew those guys in college who somehow incorporate into their costume not wearing a shirt or just wearing a wife beater. Much like its always a girl's dream to dress up like a slut, its always these guys dream to be a homo. They are the same guys who try to dress up like Sonny and Cher with their beard of a "girlfriend" only he is Cher and she is Sonny!!! Can you believe how outrageous that shit is? You know the guy is really digging the mini-skirt which was totally his idea until his boys are like, 'what are you a queer' at which point Cher goes into total defense mode where hes like, 'No, man its my fucking girlfriend, I fucking hate this shit, but I'm trying to get some fucking pussy right," followed by grunts and possibly some awkward laughter.

Unoriginal Costume

This is the costume that when you decide to dress up like it for Halloween, you know you are going to run into about 20 other people in the exact same outfit as you, yet you still insist on taking a picture with them to be like, 'Oh my god, can you believe this shit, someone else is totally in my same outfit, but I totally pull it off better and I want everyone on Webshots to know it!!" You know what I'm talking about, I think back to my senior year in college when the "Call on me" video was the absolute rage. Every girl on campus dug into their work out clothes and somehow they were all able to piece together the perfect outfit only to find every other girl on campus had the same amazing idea! I mean these bitches looked like they came straight out of the music video, except for the fact that they weren't hot. These days you can find this problem with Borat. I admit, even I thought for a second about being Borat for Halloween, I mean I've got it all, black curly hair, a grey suit, I can even make two thumbs up signs and scream "High Five" ever 5 minutes. Unfortunately for me I haven't hit puberty yet so I can't grow a kickass mustache, therefore the shit just wouldn't work. I love those guys though that are like, "Wait until you see my costume this year, you are just going to flip!" Then the guy dresses up like Borat quickly finding 20 other Borats at the same party yelling out the same Borat quotes about America and mules being more important than their wives. Pretty fucking original guys, nice work.

Clever Costume:

This is something that people don't get automatically, most of the time it has to be explained to someone and then they laugh. These are typically the costumes that end up winning the money in the bar sponsored costume contests and are normally very strong. However, problems can arise when you are at a party dressed up like something that needs to be explained to people and heavy drinking is involved. For example, someone might think it would be funny to dress up like a "White out bottle" or some shit and have a rival school's name on the bottle as if to say, "Tech U is so fucking stupid the need to White shit out all the time." You might think is funny and your friends might get it, but then you remember you went to school in the South, and that guy across the room "dressed" like a CCR fan keeps giving you the eye. Finally, he gets the drunken courage to come talk to you. "I like your costume," he says. Then he leans over and whispers quietly, "Good to see we're still around." You give him a look of confusion and sensing this he tries to make things clear: "I didn't know we still had Klan in these parts."

You see, because of all this confusion and embarassment its best to go with the classics, like Fred Flintstone, Superman, or a good old fashioned clean American baseball player tonight when you go out. Anyway, enjoy the candy and remember that Christ died for us so that we could enjoy that candy.

We win when it matters: Super Bowl XLII Redskins 21 Patriots 17

2007-10-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

52-7....no, I know what you are thinking and that is NOT a tally of how many girls Keder has slept with and how many of those girls did not have an STD, its the final score of the Redskins game yesterday. Sure I laughed at the fact that they were 17 point dogs in the game. Sure I told you to take them straight up. Sure I said Tom Brady was an ass pirate deadbeat father. Well I am man enough to stand up and accept the fact that an ass pirate handed it to the skins yesterday. But seriously, should we be worried? Absolutely not! Should we be encouraged by the outcome of the game yesterday? Sure as sugar we should be! Ned's bro's gone fucking crazy hasn't he? He had a few too many brewdogs at homecoming and has finally lost it! If thats what you think, you can go fuck yourself, however I would like to point out some instances in blockbuster films most of which is based on true stories which would lead one to believe that the Skins are not in fact finished, yet to the contrary we have the Pats and the rest of the NFL right where we want them and it is now inevitable that the Redskins will beat the Pats in Arizona for the Super Bowl. Without further ado, here are some of the greatest season turnarounds in theatrical history:

Little Giants

To the best of my knowledge this movie was based on a true story. Remember what happened the first time the Giants played the Cowboys? Thats right they got it handed to them just like the Redskins, the Giants didn't even have uniforms and their best player was some dyke girl named "Icebox." Meanwhile the Cowboys are filled with kids who were probably all on HGH and all resembled Hitler's perception of the perfect child. Well you know what ended up happening? The Giants got that hottie to play QB for them, the dyke chose to be straight and Rad Tad got rabies. All these things culminating in the Giants winning that shit on that illegal play. Oh and on a side note, how the hell are we meant to believe that Al Bundy and Rick Moranis are brothers? The only explanation I can think of is that they both have the same mother, yet one night she got really drunk and ended up getting knocked up by the Dunkin Donuts guy and had Rick Moranis 9 months later.

Cool Runnings

Amazingly, this movie was actually based on a true story, contrary to general sentiment in the South, this is not a science fiction movie. These boys from Jamaica make what could be argued as the greatest turn around out of anyone on this list. Just a few months before the Olympics they had never even seen snow or even knew what a bobsled was. However, that quickly changed when they got the compulsive gambling coach who teaches them everything they need to know about Bobsledding and more importantly, about how to be men. Fighting through the notorious hotbed of racism, Calgary, it only takes a single montage set to Calypso beats to get from being the worst bobsled team of all time to a competitive squad. It really is amazing that their first run down the track they can't even get into the sled, but once they paint their sled, give it a sick nickname and practice for like half an hour in their bathtub they miraculously turn into medal contenders. Unfortunately reality actually hits and their sled breaks down nearly making the entire team Kevin Everretts but seriously, who needs medical attention when you can carry your sled to the finish line. It's really a heartwarming finish where even the super racist Swiss captain congratulates Daurice on a good race. Everyone always overlooks this, but do you think John Candy, in his search for the mortal lock of a bet, sabotaged the bobsled? This would make perfect sense, he bet everything he had against the Jamaicans and tampered with the brakes and made out like a bandit. Obviously the Redskins will not be exactly like this, Dan Snyder would never allow for that abortion of a bobsled, so ours would have obviously finished the race and won the gold just like we're going to knock off the Pats in the Super Bowl.

Hardball

Probably best known for their tribute to Notorious B.I.G. by the entire team singing "Big Poppa" and waving their hands in the air roughly 50 times during the movie, Hardball is what I like to call, what would happen if Mighty Ducks took place in the Hood. This movie follows the lead of the previous two by initially having our protagonists, the "Kecumbas" being just awful at baseball, which is in itself a total shocker that this team full of black kids from the inner city is actually playing baseball. Pretty realistic, I'm sure they wouldn't rather play sports they actually are good at like basketball, dice, or impregnating women out of wedlock. Anyways, Keaunu Reeves plays some drunk compulsive gambler who is up to his ears in bad luck and is eventually forced to coach this group of kids as punishment for his debts. What the fuck kind of bookie punishes the bettor by making him coach kids? If this happend in real life Keanu would be fucking dead. Oh, and why did the Kecumbas need a drunk compulsive gambler as their coach, couldn't they just get one of the kids' dads to coach the team...oh wait, nevermind. The Kecumbas first play their rivals and just get smoked, probably because the other team is rich and actually has uniforms, they probably even have dads too. As time goes by, Keanu hits a hot streak gambling so of course he buys the kids uniforms which suddenly makes them amazing baseball players and they go on a tear on the field winning everything and eventually making it to the championship game where they play their archrivals. Sadly, we have to hear the tale of their glory in the eulogy Reeves gives for the 8 year old kid who was on the team and got the game winning hit...it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of Reeves talking about how little G-Baby lifted his arms in the air as if he was "lifting the weight of the world." Anyway, I didn't feel sorry for that kid, if he didnt want to get shot in gang related violence then he shouldn't have chosen to live in the Chicago projects. I mean seriously, you really think you're safe living there? Bite the bullet and pay the extra money to live in the suburbs already! The moral of this story is that the Kecumbas turned things around and ended up winning it all, and so will the Redskins.

Greatest comeback outside of the Beatles

2007-10-24T11:24:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday I'm driving home from work listening to some tune-skis and the DJ comes on. In an almost apologetic tone he announces the next song is the newest from the....SPICE GIRLS! This got me to thinking. Remember how hot they all were 10 years ago. Let's just say I used to watch the video for "Wannabe" the same way some people I know watch Shakira music videos. However, the more I look back on these amazing talented performers, the more I realize just how heinous they all really are.

Posh Spice

The only spice girl that I would actually consider attractive, she actually "made it" by graduating to fame post Spice by marrying David Beckham. In many social circles she is known as "Anhorexic Spice." You know whats really hot? Getting breast implants that are in proportion to your body then dropping 20 pounds to become a twig and having incredibly out of place big boobs. I also love that Posh and Becks named their first kid "Brooklyn" becuase that is where he was conceived. Thats gotta be nice for the kid growing up and anytime he hears his name he can think of his dad thrusting his mom, probably drunk and definitely doggy in some NYC hotel. I'm just happy my parents didn't use this method in naming me. "Fraternity Party Dance Floor" just doesn't roll off the tongue as well as "Brooklyn." It would be nice though to sit around the dinner table every year on my birthday and hear the tale of how I got my name: "Well it was the annual Jungle Juice party at Pi Kapp and boy did Chugger make them strong that year!!!"

Baby Spice

Also known as the "fat blond one" she has really gotten lost in the mix, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned up in some low rent porno shot with one of those gigantic video cameras like the one Kalie's dad used in "The Butterfly Effect." She reminds me a lot of the love interest in "King Ralph," you know that self righteous stripper who was too good to take off all her clothes. I remember watching that movie when I was like 10 and I was so pissed off she stopped stripping. You're a stripper, this is your job!! Anyways, Baby Spice has got to be one of the happiest people in the world since the Spice girls are getting back together. I mean what the hell else was she going to do with the rest of her life, travel around to colleges singing the lines that she had in the original Spice girls songs? I could definitely see her singing at some shitty bar like McFaddens where they charge like a $5 cover to get in and no one shows up.

Ginger Spice

Real creative on your nickname by the way. "Her hair is red, just like Ginger from Gilligans Island! Americans love Gilligan's Island!!!!!" Personally I think the Spice Girls as well as her solo career would have been a lot more successful had she been known simply as "Firecrotch Spice." I mean it lays it all out there for you. She has red hair AND she is British, because obviously Brits are known not to shave down there. Ginger was the one Spice girl that was able to branch out the same way Justin Timberlake did from N'Sync. Their careers would be identical had JT turned out to be a no talent ass clown who failed miserably on his own and had to go crawling back to his original group for some pathetic pipe dream reunion tour because he had to resort to turning tricks just to pay to get his patented red hair dyed. So yeah, you can say that Ginger has done pretty well for herself.

Sporty Spice

Also known as "Flat Spice" or "Dyke Spice," Sporty Spice was the Spice girl that was hired to appeal to the carpet munching portion of America. Ok, you like to play sports, thats amazing. The only sports I want from the Spice girls is maybe some foxy boxing or mud wrestling, thats about it. Word to the wise ladies, men are not attracted to women who could probably kick the shit out of them. Men want girls that they know they can beat the shit out of. It's like a married woman flirting with a guy at a bar. It's not like they ever would, but it's nice to know that if you had to you could.

Scary Spice

Better known as the Black one, Black people often complain why she's got to be the scary one. To be honest, the only things she's ever scared is men's penises from getting erections. Scary Spice has snuck back into the news in the past year by getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy. This really has to make someone question Eddie's taste in women. First he picks up that transvestite hooker, but of course he was only giving her a ride because it was a bad neighborhood. Then he knocks up Scary Spice?? Are you kidding me? Out of all the women in the world that he could get with, much less knock up he chooses her?

Needless to say, I am ecstatic about the upcoming reunion tour, make sure you get your tickets early because there is no doubt in my mind that all their fans who were 14-16 ten years ago are going to be in the front row this year now that they are in their mid-20's.

Golden (shower) boy

2007-10-23T10:36:00.000-04:00

As many know, the Redskins continue their path to the Super Bowl through New England this weekend. Tom Brady, golden boy, has led the Pats this year to a 7-0 record with no game really even being close. He is on record pace with 27 TDs with only 2 Interceptions. He's dating a supermodel, women want him and men want to be him. Before you supersoak your computer screen, I would like to remind you that Brady is no Superman. In fact he is no better than your run of the mill douche bag. Here are the top 5 reasons:

5. Yankees Hat

If you'll remember back to earlier this year, Brady was caught by the paparazzi walking the streets with Gisele wearing a Yankees cap. No big deal right? Wrong, Brady is an icon in Boston and it was a complete douche move to wear that shit. From a local perspective, just think what would happen if Jason Campbell was seen on the streets with his supermodel girlfriend wearing a hat of the hated Marlins. We'd be pleading with Gibbs to start Brunell! Nobody disrespects the Nats like that! I'm so heated right now, I can't imagine what Red Sox fans thought, I mean, their team has nearly as much history and tradition as the Nationals and Brady actually wore that shit!

4. Man Purse

Made famous by Jerry Seinfeld in that episode where he plays the queer, Tom Brady has been spotted carrying his man purse, no doubt to hold his diaphragm and tampons. I got a news flash for you Brady, you are not a woman/off broadway actor trying to earn some extra income by whoring his mouth out in public restrooms. You are a professional football player. You do NOT carry a purse. How his teammates did not give him an overwhelming amount of shit on this one really should cause Pats fans some concern. It makes you wonder if this whole Gisele thing is really a beard and whether Brady really spends the offseason with John Amaechi summering in Paris.

3. Deadbeat Dad

Sure there are athletes out there who have fathered multiple children by multiple women. Travis Henry (9 children by 9 women), Shawn Kemp (7 children by 6 women), and Elijah Dukes (5 children by 3 women including one foster child of his grand parents) come to mind. However, these individuals have something inherently different about them. Thats right they aren't considered America's golden boy. I sincerely feel bad for Bridget Moynihan, how is she ever going to raise that child on her own on an actress's salary. I also feel bad for her because the reason she and Brady broke up was because she wanted kids and he didn't, BUT HE STILL GOT HER PREGNANT! This makes Tom a liar and a deadbead and most importantly, a douchebag. Someone needs to teach Tom that the pull out method is not full proof. Don't be a fool Brady, wrap your tool.

2. He knows what Leonardo DiCaprio's dick tastes like

How could you possibly date someone who has had little Leo in their mouth. It's not like in college where you see your girlfriend's ex out at the bar, and he laughs at you with his buddies. This guy has been in award winning movies. Imagine being Tom Brady, settling in for a quiet night with "What's eating Gilbert Grape" and then unknowingly finding out a young DiCaprio delivers an inspiring performance as the mentally handicapped brother of Gilbert. All you would be able to think about is, "I can't believe that fucking retard fucked my girlfriend!" Brady can't even turn on Nick at Nite because god forbid an old episode Growing Pains might be on. I mean seriously, I almost feel sorry for the guy, but then I remember, this guy could have any woman in the world he wanted, but he chose the girl who had been banged by Frank Abagnale, Jr.

1. Tom Brady: Town Abortionist

I'm not so sure if people quite remember this, but back in early March, there were reports that Gisele was pregnant at the same time that Moynihan was about 6 months along. Reporters were in no way treating this as rumor, this was treated as a fact. However, just a couple days later, Bunchen came out with a statement that she was not actually pregnant. Simple mix up? Unfounded rumor? I think not. It's pretty obvious what went on here...Tom Brady is no better than a back alley abortionist! While Moynihan's child sleeps comfortably in his crib, Bunchen's child is probably nestled up against a half eaten bag of Funyons in some San Fernando Valley dumpster. Brady obviously talked to his publicist after they found out Gisele was preggers who advised him that it would not look good for his image if he were to be a daddy of two born within months of each other. Since the paparazzi would have a field day had they shown up to to a Planned Parenthood, Brady obviously took the matter into his own hands. I for one am appalled that Brady could do something like this. This is not fucking Sparta where they throw away all the babies that weren't perfect. This is America! If this is the best we have to offer, then I seriously might have to consider moving to a place where their Golden Boy is someone who is intelligent, hilarious, and highly skilled at his craft. Of course I'm talking about Canada and their knight in shining armor Daniel Negreanu. OHH CANADA!!!

Lock of the century - Redskins straight up - if any dumb Patriots fan tries to bet you this week and offers you the 17 points that Vegas is saying we are the underdog by, laugh in their face, we all know the Skins own the Pats (6-1 alltime with the only loss coming in 1972).

Nothing like a nice Mexican Spinal Surgery!

2007-10-22T11:06:00.000-04:00

Why Friday Night Lights? Why? What was once one of the best shows on television has quickly taken a turn for the worse. Perhaps it is the fact that they are trying to fit about 2 years of story lines into the 6 allotted episodes that NBC has given them that hs made the show so awful. But what was once a realistic show about a small town in Texas has now become almost completely science fiction.

Last year story lines featured beleivable situations such as racist coaches, steroids, and quarterback controversy. This season is now revolving around born again Christians, murder cover ups and subsequent murder induced adrenaline fucks, and the paralyzed quarterback GOING TO MEXICO TO FOR EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY SO HE CAN WALK AGAIN. I mean seriously, Mexico is more known for its diahrrea than it is for its doctors. I really hope Street walks into the doctor's office and he is met by a guy who looks just like Pedro from South of the Border offering a burrito and some illegal fireworks as incentives for doing the surgery with him. Wasn't it just last week that he was making progress with his motor skills giving him hope to walk again? This is ridiculous, although I am impressed by his good judgement at the end of the episode when Riggins hops in the car to go to Mexico and immediately tosses Jason a brew dog. Street says they are not in Mexico yet, therefore he can't drink and drive, which upsets Riggins. I mean I would be pretty upset too if my friend wouldn't drink and drive with me in the car...oh by the way, he's still paralyzed and barely has control over his hands. I'm sure hes an amazing drunk driver as most of us are, but I'm not so sure drinking and driving while paralyzed is the best idea.

As for the murder drama, Landry and Tyra are shaping up to be the unlikeliest couple since Jon Lovitz and Tia Carrere in High School High. I mean seriously, you have to start to question it when even the father of the guy questions the girl on why she is with him. I mean its pretty obvious the only reason she wants him is because he murdered that rapist. It's the same logic that OJ uses to get chicks. He just tells them Ron Goldman was trying to rape Nicole. Of course, they then ask him why he killed Nicole too: "Because she was a slut." Anyways, I can't wait for the episode where things start to cool off between the two of them and Landry realizes the only way he can win Tyra back is by killing someone else. So he lures some hobo out to the woods with the promise of a hot meal and kills him with a hammer. Of course this will terrify Tyra, however Landry will try to justify it. "That hobo would have rode the train for free if I hadn't have done what I done!!" I don't really see things looking good for old Landry down the road. In fact, the way the show is going I could really see the series finale feature Landry strapped to the electric chair as Tyra cries uncontrollably from the observation room screaming "I LOVE YOU LANDRY" and mouthing "thank you" and Landry screaming, " I WOULD DO IT AGAIN TO PROTECT YOU!!!"

"I am not a role model"

2007-10-19T11:34:00.000-04:00

Charles Barkley very astutely pointed out years ago that he was a basketball player and not a role model. Many criticized him for this stance saying that he was in the public eye and so many kids looked up to him and idolized him, however he really did not want to be responsible for raising the children of America. It's a pretty good thing too because a couple years later he went ahead a threw a guy through a plate glass window at a strip club.

As much as athletes may not want to be role models they are, and if kids are looking up to these guys, then I truly fear our future. I'm not quite sure what it is with athletes these days, whether its the increased media coverage exposing their warts or just the failure of the public school system, but I really have to wonder what is going through some of these guys minds.

Andray Blatche Washington Wizards

This guy really is one of a kind. Drafted in the second round of the 2005 NBA draft straight out of high school in Syracuse, Andray showed a lot of promise with the Wizards. Unfortunately, his prowess on the court did not transcend into other aspects of his life. Those aspects include everything other than basketball.

Andray's rookie year in the league got off to a rocky start. He was unable to compete in training camp, but the circumstances weren't quite like those of most athletes who miss out on the training period. He didn't have a sprained ankle or broken collarbone or even an ACL injury. No, thats right, he was recovering from a gun shot wound. Apparently he decided to consort with the wrong crowd (Peter "Party" John Ramos) and after leaving a club the two 7-footers were car jacked and Andray was shot. Sure, this was not Andray's fault, however this was not the only blemish on Blatche's resume.

Over this past offseason, Andray was excited. Last season Blatche put up strong numbers and looked to be extremely improved. It looked as though he would get quite the pay hike which should have made everyone happy right? Wrong. Teammates went on record seriously concerned about what Andray would do with his new found fortune. They saw just how quickly he would run though his salary when he made $400,000/year and they did not know what this new found wealth would produce. During the past two seasons there have been reports that Andray was spotted in the Verizon center late at night. Was he practicing free throws with Gilbert? Nope, he was living there. Thats right, he couldn't afford his rent because he had spent all his salary elsewhere and was in effect a homeless professional basketball player. Imagine getting a paycheck for about 10X what you get right now and not being able to cover your cost of living. Honestly, what the hell is this guy buying? There are only so many tires on your car that need rims! I really don't think I could spend all that money if I tried. This was all a mystery until August 2, 2007 when we got a good look at exactly what he was blowing his money on. Or better yet, how his money was blowing him.

Sports talk radio was buzzing, Andray Blatche was arrested for soliciting a prostitute around 3am. Your initial reaction is probably, whatever even Hugh Grant got a hooker. But in a world where NBA groupies are everywhere with documented cases of women digging into trash cans to find dirty condoms after sex to try to get themselves pregnant with an NBA player, why they hell is Blatche cruising the streets of DC looking for some skank. Pretty smart guy.

Ron Artest Bulls/Pacers/Kings/Tru Warrior:

Everyone knows Artest from his Malice at the Palace fame and even from his fledgling rap career when he asked his coach in Indiana if he could take the first month of the season off so that he could rest up after his offseason of promoting his rap album. But many people do not know about his first offseason in Chicago when he attempted to do some moon lighting.

Artest, obviously a huge fan of music was not content at all with his speaker system in his car. He was also not content with the price Radio Shack was charging for the speakers that he so desperately coveted. So, with his $1.1 million salary plus endorsment, Ron Artest applied for a job at Radio Shack in the offseason in order to get the employee discount. In addition to this under references, Artest listed Jerry Krause, general manager of the Chicago Bulls. When Radio Shack called Krause for his reference he informed them that it would be a breach of contract for Artest to work there and lit into Artest.

Kwame Brown Washington Wizards/Lakers

Boy, can the Wizards pick em. Drafted first overall in 2001 Kwame was dubbed as a savior for the Zards. Michael Jordan was going to sculpt him into an absolutely amazing talent. Problem was, the Wizards didn't factor in that not only had this kid ever lived in a town with more than 200 people in it. He was also a fucking retard.

Kwame came into the league at the tender age of 18, the same age that most of us move onto college. At that point in our lives we are deemed able to fend for ourselves, keep ourselves healthy and live normal lives. Kwame is not like most of us. Early indications were out there when Brown was forced to miss a game due to food poisoning. Oh, thats not that bad you might say, however it was how he got poisoned. Apparently its not all that healthy to eat KFC for every meal for 2 straight weeks, especially when you are a professional athlete. Now I knew certain people in college who ate nothing but Oyster crackers, cereal, and waffles for every meal, however by no means were they professional athletes...well, ok, he did play a varsity sport but it was golf, come on people, you don't need to carb load for that.

Kwame actually succeeded in topping himself later that year, when the Wizards finally came to grips with the fact that they needed a full time babysitter to teach Kwame how to live. The first time the babysitter went to Brown's house she saw a pile of suits lying in the corner, must have been 30 or so of them, all brand new. When she asked Kwame why they were in the corner of the room she quickly found out that he did not know you could wash them and would simply buy a new suit every time he had to wear one. Again, I must really commend our public school system, especially in Georgia, Kwame's home state.

Finally there was the case of the birthday cake fight. On teammate Ronny Turiaf's birthday, Ronny, Kwame and other teammates were walking the streets of Hermosa Beach, CA celebrating. That is until a man carrying a 2X2 foot cake came walking up looking to take a picture with Turiaf. Brown saw this and came running up, snatching the cake from the innocent man and pelting it at his head. Kwame fled the scene but was later identified by the man, shocker the 7 foot 250 lb long corn rowed Brown was not able to blend into the crowd. Brown logically explained that he thought the cake was actually Turiaf's and that he intended to throw it at Ronny. I really am glad that this model citizen is one of the higher paid individuals in the world, it really does show that hard work really pays off. God Bless America.

Booze and redheads: That's what Coach Bombay does!!

2007-10-17T10:22:00.000-04:00

Great news everyone, Ned's younger brother can now take your e-mails at Nedsyoungerbrother@gmail.com. Send questions, comments, or your meditations and contemplations. And please, don't sign Ned's younger brother up for pornographic websites, he already gets enough porno mail as it is.

Today I want to examine what many critics agree to be the greatest trilogy of our time. With the first installment referred to by many as the "perfect film," with all the cast members taking home those gold trophies. Many thought there would be no way that the second film could top it, what with the absence of so many crucial characters who never made it out of the first film, but sure enough it repeated the the gold. While the third installment was universally slammed as the worst, what can you really expect with the transition to a new head man.

Of course I am referring to the all time classic trilogy of "The Mighty Ducks." When I was a kid I used to watch this movie along with the sequel "D2: The Mighty Ducks" relentlessly. As someone who never grew up in a hockey town I fell in love with the sport. I wanted to be that pansy Adam Banks. I wanted to shoot as hard as Fulton Reed. I wanted to have a knuckle puck like Russ Tyler. I wanted to be a Duck! but as time went by and I got older, I began to realize just how ridiculous not only that idea was but also the whole trilogy really was.

Let's take a look at the premise behind the first movie. Emilio Estevez of "A Night at the Roxbury" fame ('Emilio, Emilio') gets into trouble with Johnny Law. What does he get in trouble for you might ask? Oh, nothing much, just drinking and driving. So part of his punishment by his boss is to coach pee-wee hockey and be driven around in a limo by some leather jacket wearing child molestor. Naturally, Coach Bombay hates the crop of kids he inherits to coach, and who wouldnt. Let's take a look at a few of them:

Peter
You might not remember Peter because sadly, he didn't make it to the second film. Maybe this was because he wanted more money, maybe it was because they wanted to bring on some superstars, but most likely it was because he was a little bitch who was a shitty hockey player. He was the short little kid with black hair who wore a leather jacket and belonged in the "My New Haircut" video more than he belonged on a Minnesota hockey team.

Averman
How this piece of shit made it to the second and third movies I have no idea. Did anyone ever think the Rob Schneider bit about making copies was funny? Apparently the writers of Mighty Ducks did because they pour it on heavily with their comic relief Averman. Seriously, how did this clown not catch more beatings? The two greatest honors in Rob Schneider's career have to be Averman imitating him constantly and having such a great friend like Adam Sandler who feels sorry for him so he casts him as a retard in his hit movies. Some of the characters he's played in the past could seriously double for members of the Ronald McDonald House. "I'm just like you only schlower"

Jesse and Terry

Sadly, producers felt that Terry was dead weight in the first movie, so they killed him off before the sequel. Sickle cell anemia really is an awful disease. However, I really feel bad for these guys. If only Kevin Garnett had come to the T-wolves a couple years earlier these kids would be tearing up the basketball courts in the Northwest and their father (thats not a typo, yet another reason this movie is unbelieveable) wouldn't have to work double shifts just to watch them lose repeatedly. Either way, Jesse plays the role of the hard ass black guy made famous by the dynamic character Ice Cube plays in Anadconda, Higher Learning, Friday, Boyz n the Hood, and Three Kings. There seriously are about 10 times during those heated locker room where I think that Jesse is either going to pull out a sawed off shot gun or have Adam Banks "bite the bench" for being a fucking "cake eater" Hawk.

Charlie aka "Captain Duck" aka "Captain Faggot"

When Bombay comes to the Ducks Charlie is nothing but a spaz hockey player desperately looking for some sort of father figure. When the movie ends Charlie is nothing but a spaz hockey player desperately looking for some sort of father figure. Sure he won the game against the Hawks with the luckiest triple deke of his life, but lets be honest, he shouldn't have even been taking that penalty shot. The only reason that he took it was because Bombay was trying to nail his Mom. Speaking of which, how ridiculous is it that Charlie, a white, is being raised by a single mother, while Jesse and Terry (blacks) are being raised by an over aggresive father who works overtime just so that they can play hockey. Yeah, pretty acurate portrayal of America. Anyway, there really is no mention of how Ms. Conway became a single mother, however if I were forced to guess I would say her ex-husband was definitely an abusive alcoholic. Thank god shes getting over him with Coach Bombay, he has no skeletons in his closet....oh wait nevermind, the whole reason he is coaching the Ducks is because of his drinking and driving. So, what does this mean? Ding, ding, ding, tell Ms. Conway what she's won Johnny! A new alcoholic abusive boyfriend!! Another sad case of battered wife's syndrom which as for some reason been glorified by Disney. You would have thought they would have tried to get their act together after that whole Beauty and the Beast fiasco.

Unfotunately, I've run out of time, check back tommorow for other pressing matters in which the world deals with daily.

Top 5 Animated Hotties

2007-10-16T10:15:00.001-04:00

How often do you sit around hungover on a Saturday afternoon and come across an old animated Disney classic on TV and just admire how much the female lead character can catch it? If you're like me, then its pretty much every Saturday. Naturally the debate is spawned over which cartoon is the hottest. This debate is no doubt rough and it can ultimately end a lot of friendships. Luckily for you, I have decided to put all such debates to bed. Without further delay, here are the top 5 hottest Disney cartoon characters:

#5 Princess Jasmine: Aladdin

Right off the bat you might ask, "Why is Jasmine so low on the list, she can catch it!" There is the pressing matter of a little thing called a "war" going on and if we were to draw sides there is no doubt in my mind that the Princess would be on the side that hates freedom. For all we know Jasmine could have at one time shacked up with Qusay or Uday Hussein and burned Iraqi soccer players with cigarrettes when they failed to win in the Olympics.

She also loses a lot of hot points by hooking up with Aladdin. Let's just state the facts:

1. Aladdin is homeless and a stealer.
2. It is a common practice to chop off hands of crooks in those days so that they had to eat with the same hand they wiped with AND as recently proven by a highly skilled stealer that I know, once a stealer, always a stealer, so its likely that somewhere along the way Aladdin lost his hand. Guess what other activities he might use that same hand for?
3. Aladdin's best friend is a monkey, and I'm not saying anything but when you're homeless you probably aren't getting a whole lot of action and all men do have needs.
4. Monkeys originated AIDS.

#4 Pocahontas

This was a tough one, I really considered putting Nala from the Lion King in this spot, however I couldn't pass on this Indian, especially with Cleveland doing so well and paying such great homage to the Native American culture.

Some positive hot points for Pocahontas: her singing voice was done by Vanessa Williams which is nothing but a positive (although she does contain some M-factor.) She's also an Indian, meaning she loves to get F'd up and gamble, which is awesome! However tragically, we all saw what happend to Helen Hunt's drunken mother living in Vegas in "Pay it Forward" and that is not hot at all.

3. Belle Beauty and the Beast

Belle presents an interesting case, although she is quite the striking lady however there are some serious issues that keep her from the #1 spot.

1. She is French, meaning that much like Jasmine, she hates freedom and her armpits more than likely resemble those of this ghastly man:

2. The movie is called Beauty and the Beast. Everyone knows that Walt Disney was a strong proponent of the Nazi party but is that really worse than Michael Eisner being into Beastiality? While we're on the subject, why would anyone ever want to get a Great Dane? Wouldn't you be scared that you would come home one day and it would be pounding your girlfriend? Either way I feel bad for the guy that the Beast becomes because you know the Beast tore that up without kissing Belle. Now once they kiss hes back to normal size and he gets to sleep with someone who might as well have just given birth to Mini-me from Austin Powers.

2. Ariel The Little Mermaid

It's pretty obvious that Ariel is hot, perhaps the only question is whether the drapes match the carpet, or if mermaids even have carpets. Not to mention the fact that she can't even talk! What a perfect woman!

Anyway there still remain a couple detractors to Ariel, and those are her "friends." I put that in quotes because every really hot girl has those guys that pretend to be her friends, warning her of A-hole guys but all the time wanting to nail her even though she is way out of their league. These "friends" are played by Flounder and Sebastian in this scenario.

Flounder is your typical fat friend who is hoping someday the hot girl will either see past all the good looking men and see that even though he is fat, he is the greatest, nicest guy there is or that she gets really, really drunk, horny and experimental. This is the type of guy that will cry inside anytime the hot girl calls him her BFF or says things like, "If only we weren't such great friends!"

Sebastian on the other hand is that Jamaican guy who acts all nice and tries to cheer up Ariel, but the second she swims away you know hes turning to his boys and saying, "You don't even know what I would do to punish that foiine booty!!" and "That girl has got to have some sister in her, dammmn!"

1. Jessica Rabbit

I know, I know, shes not a Disney character, however she is just too hot to pass on for this list. I mean just look at her. I remember watching this movie at the age of 6 and falling in love with her and that love continues to this day. I still remember the first time I lost my hand virginity...Jessica was there. That hair over one eye is so sexy too.

Unfortunately, no one is perfect and she does have some trailer park to her. She was caught by Eddie Valient playing "paddy cake" with RK Maroon. Overall though, her positive assets outweigh the negative ones, therefore she's #1 in my book.

Lyla Garrity:Born Again Ho

2007-10-15T09:32:00.000-04:00

Thanks for choosing to waste your time with my waste of time. Welcome to the first post by Ned's younger brother (we miss you champ...In your eyes, no light no heat, your eyes....)

For those of us who are avid fans of the tv show Friday Night Lights, we have met a great disappointment in this second season of the show. It has been incredibly hard to take a show seriously when it takes such a turn for hypocrisy like it has in the first two episodes.

One of the main story lines last year included the star quarterback getting paralyzed from the waist down and his girlfriend sleeping with his best friend while he recovered because she is that much of a whore and wanted more than just the occasional oral sesh from Street, the former qb.

If you look to the left you'll see the famous scene where Street is being scolded for trying to play the old "Switcharoo" with Lyla. She had just found out the hard way that he was not in fact fully recovered, and that although they are delicious and refreshing - firecracker popsicles do NOT double as sex toys. You really can't blame him though, he couldn't satisfy the whore so he had to try an unconventional method.

Let's sit back and juxtapose this storyline from last season with the new season. Granted NBC is trying to pump up female viewership by having more "OC" like story lines, but is it really worth it to lose your male (aka more important) viewers?? Anyway, this season, Lyla W. Garrity (the W stands for Whore in case you're slow on the uptake) has decided to become a born again Christian, which, if we were in the real world, would be just about as likely as Britney ever getting custody of her kids back. Now lets just be honest with ourselves, sadly Lyla W. never had a chance of breaking out of her genetic mold of sluttery. Let's examine someone who is near and dear to her persona...her father Buddy Garrity.

Just look at what a dirtbag this guy is, where are his eyes looking in this picture?? Stop checking out your 17 year old daughter's chest Buddy! No wonder his wife left him, I bet he insisted on giving Lyla a bath until she was 16 years old. "Come on Lyla, let me give you something that Street can't anymore." Oh and shocker, he had an affair with the mother of the other town whore last season.

Then, there is her mother. Granted she is playing the role of victim in the Garrity divorce, however that does not excuse her of having a new guy move in with her and her family just a couple months after Buddy moved out. This makes me start to believe that she had a little something on the side going when she and Buddy were still together. Because honestly, who would jump at the opportunity to be with a recently divorced mother of 3 with a psycho like Buddy Garrity most likely learing in your window nightly. Anyway, needless to say, much like the child of a crack whore living on the streets, Lyla Garrity never really had a fair shot at life, but that still does not excuse her behavior.

From the looks of things at the end of the second episode, Lyla W. will continue kneeling as she does at church, however when she looks up she won't be looking at the altar. Instead she'll be staring in the eyes of good old Tim Riggins.

Bottom line, if Lyla ever wants to make it out of Dillon and see the world, her best opportunity would probably be one of those hookers that live in the freight steerage like in season 2 of the Wire.